Counselling

I haven't written about it and I haven't told many people but today I thought, "Why not?"  I have been having a really hard time lately.  I am worried that I may have depression.  Things seemed to have started around the miscarriage and then Mike and I also started having some major issues at the same time.  But I seemed to be having more and more bad days.  It seems to cycle.  I will being doing really well and then something will set me off and I start going down.  I am all over the place.  Unfortunately Mike gets the brunt of my anger and but at least it is him and not the girls.  After a lot of thought I decided to go to counselling.  I don't know if it will help but I really need some perspective on my feelings and maybe some tips on how to get rid of the anger towards Mike.  I hope it helps because I don't like feeling this way.  I am usually in control of myself and I don't usually have mood swings.  I also hope to work on my self esteem.  I kind of think that it may be the root of everything or at least a major factor.  Wish me luck!

Back

A week or so ago I was feeling depressed and this blog was making me feel like a failure so I deleted it and then immediately regretted that so I made it private.   Thanks to those who noticed, it is nice to know people read this.

I decided today that I am not a failure...I have been losing and being healthy.  There is nothing wrong with a gain here or there.  I just need to keep going.    So the latest challenge was again another flop.  The miscarriage has really thrown me for a loop and all the emotions and hormones tied with it have made me one crazy mama.

And to add to the mix, Mike and I have been having issues.

Thankfully as of today, everything seems to be resolved!  My miscarriage can now be put away and I can move on.  Mike and I are once again going strong and I am very excited about Christmas.

I am also ready to keep trying to lose weight.

 Last week I baked up a storm.  I love giving baking as Christmas gifts.  I feel like it is a really personal gift because while I am slaving away and yelling at Ally not to  throw the flour on the floor, I am thinking of you and hoping you will like what I made.  With all the chaos of baking with two kids, I didn't drink my water and I ate a ton of baking and I gained a bit.  But I have reined it in and I am going hard again.

Today I also decided that I should start drinking green tea.  I have been reading about how it helps with weightloss and it didn't seem too weird.  So I thought why not, if I am going to be drinking 4 litres a day...why not add some flavour by drinking some tea?

On top of everything, I have been really struggling with my self-esteem.  I have been really hating myself and feeling disgusting.  I don't want this attitude to rule my life because it is impossible to be happy when you hate yourself.  And I want to nip this in the butt quickly so that it doesn't effect the girls (because I am cranky) and that in years it sets them up for poor self esteem.

Mike has been supportive and has decided to give me some more spending money so that I can spend it on myself.  It won't be a lot but  this way I can buy some jeans that look good on me instead of ones that were cheap at Costco.

Today is a good day and like I said soooo excited for Christmas!

Week 1

I am doing awesome with the water...exercise not so much...I am trying but the girls have been sick and not sleeping well so neither have I. I did see the 100s the other day so I think my weigh in on Thursday is going to look good! I find the weekends to be very challenging. Both days I didn't start drinking water until 4 pm and having drinking 4L in 6-7 hours is hard. I also don't think that you get the same effect if you cram all the water in at night.

Challenge! Because I love them :)

I love challenges and I do feel that they help me even if I fall off the wagon ;) I believe that any spurt of motivation helps.

I realized today that there is 4 weeks left of 2009! Crazy, eh? I have decided that I want to end the year in the 190's I want to be below 195lbs by 2010. I am going to use my motivation to start exercising again and to help me to eat as good as I can through out the delicious holiday season.

Here are my goals:

Drink 4 L of water every day

Do 30-45 minutes of exercise everyday

Eat as good as I can

Weigh in for today is 201.4 lbs so 6-11lbs to lose to meet my goal.

Not Yet!

I am still dealing with my miscarriage and I am so frustrated with my doctor. I have found the whole process extremely stressful and my emotions have been all over the place. Two days ago I started spotting again and that freaked me out but I had my ultrasound scheduled and I did my best not to worry. Yesterday I went for my ultrasound, got lost and missed the appt. I freaked out...not in an angry way but I barely made it back to the car before I started crying. I feel like I will be doing really well and then something happens and I feel like I can't cope and my world is crashing down. I feel like I am the worst mother and wife every and that I have lost myself. I call my doctor or rather the receptionist and explain what is going on and that I am stressed out and all I get back is a message saying that the doctor is not worried. I need some information that is accurate and reliable and google just freaks me out. At my mom's prompting I have called another doctor in town and I will meet with her tomorrow to see if she will be a more attentive doctor. We are a healthy family and rarely seek medical attention but when we do it is for something important.

So #3 is out of the loop for now until I can get a hold of my emotions and my miscarriage is officially over. I may wait until April now. Who knows....like I said I am all over the place.

I have found this site that is truly inspirational and has started to inspire me to love my body and to think about what I need to do to lose weight again. One positive about waiting to get pregnant is that I could lose more weight and be healthier. I highly reccomend going The Shape of A Mother and reading through it.

Time for Another?

Mike and I are in discussion about whether it is time to start trying again. It is a weird discussion because it really depends on the day, how the girls are, how I am feeling etc. I hate the decision! There are so many reason for and against. Mike likes the idea of getting the kids done and over with so that we can start doing the fun stuff. He doesn't really like the first year because he has a hard time with a baby who just wants Mommy. He does great with toddlers and can see that each year is going to be more and more fun. I totally agree. I also kind of like the idea of getting my body back sooner. But I am terrified of my stress and frustration level. I want to still be a good mom who my kids love, not some growly bear. So we will see what the future brings at this point we are just going day by day and really thinking about what to do until I get the all clear from the doctor.

Interesting!

I don't really know what is happening but I have just surpassed my pregnancy weight! I have lost about 8 lbs this month. I don't know if it is the water, the miscarriage or maybe even breastfeeding but I am not complaining! I am so happy and I am loving that I am not doing anything to crazy. I am eating well, drinking lots of water and trying to be active. It is nice when you see the numbers on the scale going down, it makes it easier to resist. Last night I was grocery shpping and really wanted to buy some chips but I put the bag down and felt good about it.

I have also started an exercise class called Playground Bootcamp. It is awesome! A great work out and most of the moms have two kids so it is really comfortable. It is held at an indoor playground where there is a large jungle gym and then a bunch of toys for the kids. The kids go off and play while the moms exercise and if needed you go and deal with your kids or exercise with them.

Water

I have started to take my health in small manageable steps and I have started with water. I was reading the book from Mike's diet and it talks about how important water is and that everyone should be drinking at least 2 L a day and a litre for every 25 lbs over weight you are. So for me that is about 4 L and let me tell you that is incredibly hard! But was has been the trick for Mike and I is to put 1 L bottles in the freezer filled 1/4 full at night and then fill it the next morning and then keep filling the bottle until the ice is gone. If I drink it fairly consistently I can fill it up 2-3 times and get in total about 2 L worth. I have been working on increasing my water amount each day, nothing methodical I just keep fillig it. I have been able to easily drink 2 L and I am just starting to get 3 L in. I am finding that it is really helping me to not eat as much or snack all day. I also think that it is helping me lose weight. In the past 3 weeks I have lost 3 lbs and I have not been eating well. Now it could be stress but I think the water has a lot to do with it because I am eating horribly - like lots of chocolate, candy and baking. I have been bad because I decided that I am going through a hard time that I deserve to binge until the whole miscarriage thing is over. But I am doing well at one thing and that is water. Here is an article that talks about the importance of water. http://www.shapeupshop.com/weightloss/water-weight-loss.html

It is going

So it has been a hard week but I am doing well. I am in awe of other women who have gone through a miscarriage before. It is such a blow and really rocks your world. But I am coping and getting back to real life. I am interviewing some babysitters this week to come once a week or so to help out so I can clean and do errands. I also hope to train and learn to trust them enough to leave my kids with them at night so Mike and I can go out and not rely on my parents to much. I am so excited! I just can not wait! I think I will start getting my hair done, pedicures etc.

Miscarriage

It has been confirmed. My doctor thinks that I had an ectopic pregnancy and that I miscarried it. I need to go for more blood work and possibly another ultrasound to make sure everything is finishing the way it should be. I am doing okay, I just wish that the process could be done already. I started back on domperidone to get my milk supply back and now I am going to get back to life.

Meltdown

I have been doing my best to stay in check emotionally. I have kind of been walking on a tight rope where anything can really upset me. Today I was sobbing. I think the worst thing maybe happening. I think my milk supply is going away. It may have been a coincidence but this afternoon I tried nursing Zoe and she got really mad. I started sobbing. I wasn't prepared for that. I could handle the possiblity of losing a baby but the reality of losing my milk just killed me. There is nothing I can do to stop it.

Stressed and Scared

I finally got my first post partum period at the beginning of this month. Then about a week ago (about mid-cycle) I started to have really bad cramps and light bleeding. I didn't think to much of it because I was in Moncton and if I laid down the pain was manageable. When I got back on Wednesday I was talking to my good friend Laurie and she thought it could be a miscarriage. I didn't understand how that was possible because it was the middle of my cycle and I didn't think we timed our relations (blush) close enough to my ovulation to get pregnant. I am usually quite aware of my cycle and fertility signs and planned on waiting for another year before we tried for a third. Well, thanks to Laurie I took a pregnancy test and low and behold it was positive and dark! Which is weird because I should only be about 3 weeks along. But because of the bleeding and cramps I went and saw my doctor, she sent me for an ultrasound. The ultrasound showed a mass on my left tube which the tech thought it was an ectopic pregnancy. So they sent me to the ER, which with H1N1 is a scary place. Mike and I scrambled to get the girls taken care of because I was not letting them near the ER. In the ER they checked my cervix and it was closed and I guess that is a good sign that I am pregnant and not miscarrying at this time. The OB thinks that I may have a corpus luteum cyst which is normal and apart of pregnancy but sometimes can cause bleeding and cramps (from what I have googled) and he has sent me to get my HcG levels checked every two days for the next week to see if the pregnancy is progressing.

I am scared and upset among a million other emotions. I am trying my best to not get to upset or think too positively. I went for blood work yesterday and will go again Monday. And will see my doctor Monday or more likely Tuesday.

Thoughts

I have been doing a lot of thinking about diets and my self-esteem lately. My self-esteem really tanked during Zoe's pregnancy and it is still effecting me. I hate being so self-conscious and hating my body. I should love my body because it is amazing, just look at the two beautiful girls that it has grown. I realized that I have spent about 3-4 years focusing on my body's weight and how ugly it is. I really believe that all the negative talk is effecting me. I realized that of course I want to be fit and healthy but if breastfeeding is preventing me from losing weight then I need to still eat well and love myself (my doctor actually confirmed this). I think loving yourself is so very important especially when you are a mother of girls.

And I also found that with Weight Watchers it didn't always encourage me to eat well. I had this need to binge or have a treat more regularly. If I had 5 points left at the end of the day, I wouldn't have something high in protein and healthy I would have chocolate or wine basically empty calories.

I don't want to 'diet' anymore. I want to start loving myself again. I have been a faithful reader of my friend Pam's blog and she is so inspirational. She has lost about 100 lbs. And she has done it by changing her lifestyle and exercise. I look forward to her updates every day. My plan is to start exercising again and let the endorphins do their job and start cooking creatively. When I am done nursing maybe I will diet again.

Ugh!

Life has definitely gotten away with me again and I have neglected my blog. Zoe's sleep habits have been taking all my energy. Thankfully I am glad to say that last week we put an end to the 2 hour wake ups. It was bliss to finally get a good nights sleep. Now she isn't sleeping through the night but she is getting up only 1 or 2 times a night.

Then Zoe and I went to Ottawa to celebrate my sister in law's 30th birthday. It was a great weekend and Zoe was an absolute doll. She slept well, perfect on the plane and wasn't super clingy. I did indulge in tons of sushi and Korean Barbeque. I did not eat well at all. It is tough when you are travelling and staying at someone else's house.

So how is my weight loss? Well....two weeks ago I had a great loss of 1.8 lbs and then unfortunately this week I gained 3lbs! So I am still down 1.8lbs. I was pretty disappointed about gaining 3lbs, last time I did weight watchers I could have a bad weekend and not gain or barely gain. But things are different....I guess just another way children change us. My mom did have some encouraging words that I am going to remember and maybe even put it on my fridge. She reminded me that watching my weight is still helping me even if I am not losing like I want because I am not gaining. And that is so true, especially after what happened this summer where I gained it all back.

So I am back on the wagon and my goal this week is to drink 2L of water every day. Mike has been freezing 1L bottles of water and that has been helping him a ton. So I have asked him to help me out with drinking water because I have not been doing well at all with the water. Mike has been doing some online research about weight loss and found that there is a significant link between water consumption and weight loss. So here is to a good week!

Sick Babes

It has been a tough few days. Zoe got sick on Saturday and then Ally got sick today. I hate seeing my babies sick. It is hard on everyone when someone in the house is sick. Especially on me. I learned again how I need to just roll with the punches and not get to hung up on what I had planned.

Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my plans and then I am easily frustrated with the girls and how they messed things up. And my plans aren't even that important. I don't know why, I am usually an easy going person. When I am frustrated I just can't manage the my temper or handle dealing with the girls.

On top of Zoe being sick, I am still dealing with her sleep issues. Last night was so hard! Zoe just would not sleep and she kept screaming - now this girl has the absolute worst cry it is like a screech! When she starts screeching it just drives me up the wall and I can just about lose it. When I am exhausted and she won't sleep and keeps screeching, I hate to admit it but I can understand why people shake their babies. I can control myself but I can see how someone could do it. I can control myself. Last night I discovered something to keep myself from getting frustrated and annoyed. I just start repeating over and over in my head, "I love you, Zoe. I love you, Zoe" And it really worked! I calmed down immediately and it turned the whole day around too. Usually after a tough night I am done for the next day but today went really well. Even with the girls being sick and needy.

I am learning how much easier it is when I just roll with things. I hope I can keep it up! It makes everyone much happier.

Also, another good thing happened today! I lost weight! I lose 1.2 lbs! Woohoo! I followed the diet and counted really well. I am glad that when I actually follow the diet that it works!

Sleep

Zoe has been sleeping terribly for about the last month and it is making me crazy! I slept with both girls until about 7 months so I missed the frequent wakings of newborns and I was able to sleep through. Now I can't and waking up every 2 hours is really killing me! I don't know how people do it. I am so emotional and I can barely keep the house clean because I am exhausted. If I don't nap when the girls are down my day is ruined. Mike has tried to help and given her formula for one of her wakings. For my formula brings along its on ball of wax.

I hate having to give her formula and it makes me feel like I have failed. She is eating a ton during the day and I am pretty sure she doesn't need to be waking up but I don't know how to get her to stop. I am not a fan of crying it out but I have seen its purpose. It doesn't work on Zoe or at least she can go much longer than I can. I know that if she cries to much that she won't go to sleep. Also letting Zoe cry it out in the middle of the night poses the problem of waking everyone else. And that just can't happen.

I am amazed at how sleep effects everything! I do hope it gets better soon.

Down

So I am done but it is such a minute amount that it almost isn't worth mentioning. I am now 209 lbs. Ugh! I know how I could do better and I am going to try better this next week. This dieting stuff is hard and I am beginning to hate it. I feel like I have been doing this for months with no actual loss. Now that isn't true, during the move I ate horribly and I gained back everything I had lost. Ugh! It just sucks.

Down!!

I am down 1.4 lbs! Woohoo! My official weight is 209.2 lbs. I had a horrible weekend, I ended up in the hospital and didn't sleep for about 48 hours. I ended up having to eat twice at a fast food place and then I enjoyed some comfort food. But I got back on the wagon as soon as I could and it paid off.

I had been weighing myself through out the week and it was down last week and then after my hospital stay the scale was going up and up. I was getting rather depressed but I was glad that there was a reason at least. Thankfully when I got to the meeting and stepped on to the scale it was lower than last week. I have decided not to step on my scale again. I don't need the emotional up and down when my scale is inaccurate.

I haven't exercised but right now it is important for me to be well rested and sane. I am finding the lack of sleep is really getting to me and I am having a hard time getting through the day. So my priority is eating well and sleep.

1 for diet 0 for Mothering

I ate well today! I actually ate 5 servings of fruit and vegetables! I am happy and I feel great. The quote in my Weight Watchers book today was, "Nothing feels better than healthy does." That is so true. I am so thrilled with how I am doing and I think it really helps that Mike is on a diet too. I do better with a partner. It also helps on the grocery bill. We went shopping tonight for fruit and veg and the fridge is so full; both crispers are full and the bottom shelf.

Unfortunately we had a terrible night. Ally was up and Zoe is sick. I was up with one kid or the other from 10:30 -2am. I was tired and cranky. Mike slept through it, I thought on purpose so I was really pissed at him and I almost kicked him out of bed. Thankfully I am more rational in the mornings. The late night screwed up my chance of exercising today. I was really bitter about missing my exercise. Maybe I need to lower my expectations about exercise. Maybe just going out for walks with the kids is good enough. I don't know.

After a bad night, I am in such a funk. I yell, scream and cry at least once during the day. I feel like the worst mother ever and that I can't cope and I feel close to a breakdown. Ally has really been pushing my buttons and I don't know how to stay calm and be a good mom to her. I have read the books and I know she is not testing me deliberately. Knowing that doesn't help my temper. I wonder if it is the lack of sleep...gosh I hope it is. All I know is that normally I am so level headed and I love my kids but some days...

Weigh In

Today was my first Weight Watchers meeting. I am feeling hopeful that I am going to lose if I work hard at it. I have mixed feelings about posting my weight but I think it will help to keep me on track. So here it is 210.6 lbs, I hope to never see that number again. So here is to a good week!

I ate well today and I am ready to start writing, counting and measuring. My goal for this week is to measure everything. I know the points for so many things that I probably over estimate my portions. I bought a scale tonight so that will help with getting my portions under control.

Out of Shape

I am amazed at how out of shape I am. It has been 3 months since my marathon and I have lost it all. I am out of shape and I have gained 11 lbs since then. It is so annoying and frustrating. I am angry at myself but I am rolling that emotion into motivation to work hard to lose the weight.

I walked/ran to my parent's house which is about 8 minutes. Not a proper workout but it is something. I tried jogging back but forces combined. Ally fed Zoe a fruit snack and she started gagging on it. I also got the family out for a nice long walk tonight. It is sad to say but that is the most I have exercised in months and it was really nothing.

Tomorrow I start going to Weight Watchers meetings. I have lots of good groceries in the house and living in a small town will help my eating out addiction. I really hope I can be successful again. 4 years ago before my wedding I lost close to 50lbs so I hope I can do it again. Last night I just ate better but didn't really exercise, I hope by exercising a lot that I can do it.

What Not To Be

Tonight in between packing I watched a bit of What Not To Wear and it had a 46 year old Mother, who felt embarassed that people were telling her how good she looked and didn't think she deserved to be put first. She kept talking about how her kids were always first. You could tell that at one point she was a neat woman because she had some cool tattoos but she was so used to putting herself last that all the new clothes and learning to love herself was really hard. It struck me how easy it is to fall into the kids are first trap and how important it is for us to put ourselves first. What example are we setting for our children? Confidence and self worth are so important. And I think the only way that you can teach that is through example. That is why I think it is so important to take care of myself and love myself now. My self-esteem really tanked during and after my pregnancy with Zoe. Mike gets annoyed with me but I just can't see myself in a good light anymore and I used to have good confidence. That is why losing weight and more importantly changing my lifestyle is so important to me. It is for me and my girls.

Thinking

I have been doing alot of thinking lately; about how I failed this challenge, the amount of children we/I want, weightloss and of course the move. I tend to over think and really process everything. Zoe is not even 9 months old and I am planning my next kid. I got this way around when Ally was the same age too. Two kids....well that is different I don't want the third kids so close in age. I am not sure if I can handle it or rather if I want to handle it. I also know I don't want to get pregnant at this weight. I want and need to lose the weight. I need to for my girls so I have energy and the desire to play with them and not get so easily frustrated with them.

Mike and I have been going back and forth about how many kids we want. I want 4 and Mike is thinking 3 would be good. I believe we are great parents and should have more. My identity is wrapped up in being a mom, I love it, I research it and at this point I can't imagine life without a baby around. Mike, thankfully is focused on our future and how much kids cost. I don't know but it is a conversation we keep having over and over. And I have been obsessing about when to have the next kid. I think I am a little weird and maybe I need a hobby beside baby-making.

So since this challenge for me was a bit of a flop with this crazy move. I have really been thinking about what to do next and how to achieve weight loss. I realized that September 1st is just around the corner and if all goes to plan I want to start trying September 2010. I also have just finished Julie/Julia and it has inspired me to start a year long project. So I have decided to lose 52 lbs in 52 weeks. I thought it was kind of catchy 52 in 52! I also want to get myself back, evolve as a mother and start new hobbies.

In the next 52 weeks I want to:

-lose a minimum of 52 lbs (of course more would be great)

-run at least 2 races

-knit something for myself and the girls

I think that is it for now but bottom line I want to lose weight and learn to focus on me and my family. It sounds selfish but I do truly believe that the happiness of the family rests on the mother. I am going to start going to actual Weight Watchers meetings. I had lost close to 50 lbs about 4 years ago with Weight Watcher meetings so I think I can do it again. I want to run my first 5k - November 14 it is fittingly called Miles For Moms. And once we get settled in the new house, I am going to get my knitting out and knit some cute winter hats for Ally and Zoe.

So here we go......52 in 52!

-

Tuesday

I am glad that I picked water as the challenge this week. I feel like at least I can do something healthy. I am not eating to terribly put I am not counting the calories. Doing well with water is keeping me sane. Zoe has learned to crawl and that has messed up her sleep incredibly. She is not napping well and waking up every two hours during the night. I am exhausted and stressed! Last night was crazy. Mike had to play golf (he is on a league) and I was alone with the girls. Ally went down with no trouble but was back up in 30 minutes calling, "Mommy! Mommy!" I went in a couple times all the while getting more and more irritated. I was so tired and just wanted some me time to pack. Finally I gave in before I went crazy grabbed Ally and some wine and we went and watched tv. Then Zoe woke up. Got Zoe back down at 9:30 and Ally at 10pm, had some more wine and Zoe woke again at 10:30pm! Ugh! Today I was a wreck but thanks to Laurie and Tammy my sanity was saved and I didn't yell at my kids once!

Week 3

I am not doing so well with this challenge and moving at the same time. So I am going to make this week's challenge something really easy. WATER! The challenge this week is to drink 8 or more glasses a day. I have been slacking on my water intake and it is so important especially since I am nursing. Give yourself 5 extra points if you drink 8 or more glasses of water a day.

Sunday and Week 2 Totals

Thank you to those who are still sticking to the challenge even though I am slacking. There is still a prize for your hard work! I am very sorry that I have been slack. But feel free to post you totals for the past week and I will tally them.

Wednesday and Thursday

Too busy packing but I wanted to do a post so you can post your points.

I hope everyone is doing well with the challenge.

Monday and Tuesday

Monday was a crap day because I was tired and the girls were cranky and not listening. Sometimes I wonder who starts the bad day is it me and the girls feed off of my energy or is it them and I just don't have the energy to deal? Who knows? Thankfully it got better in the evening even though Zoe would not sleep.

I did find out some upsetting news this weekend. I have been taking domperidone to help my milk supply. My doctor had suggested back in February that I could wean off of the medication but I had chosen not to because it gives me some peace of mind and I did not want to be stressed out all the time about my supply like I was with Alexandra. Well, I found out that domperidone can cause weight gain! Now there is no way to know if it is the medication that is causing me not to lose but I think it might play a large part. I haven't been 100% good all the time but when I was training for the marathon I was exercising more than I have ever exercised before and I didn't lose much at all. So I have decided that I think it is time to wean off the medication because I want to lose the weight, Zoe is old enough and I think my supply is well established and if I freak out I will take some herbs or have some nursing tea. I am scared though, I just need to have confidence.

Today I did my run! I made a promise to myself and I stuck to it! Woohoo! I feel so good. I like getting the run out of the way early. I did it during nap time because I was too tired to get up early. But I don't really care when I do it as long as I get it done.

Monday

Water=6

Food=5

Exercise=0

Challenge=0

Tuesday=

Water=

Food=

Exercise=5

Challenge=0

Sunday and Week 1 Totals

So this hasn't been the best start to the challenge but I am feeling good about this next coming week. I think I am going to try getting up early and exercising because my evenings are when I need to pack. I am feeling really positive right now. I am ready to start working on myself again and excited for moving. I am just so happy right now! After all the stress in the last few weeks, I feel like packing and unpacking will be a piece of cake!

So the challenge for the next week is to cut out a treat or junk food and save it until the end of the week as a reward. I will be cutting out Starbucks this week and will use it as a reward if I exercise 5 times this week. If you do this give yourself 10 points on Sunday.

Here are the totals for the week. If you haven't posted your points yet, don't worry there still is time and I will update as I get your points.

Laurie=74 Rock on, Sista!!

Pam=59

Melynda=34

Amy=30

Friday

I am inspired again! And I owe all thanks to my friends Pam and Laurie. I am going to run a 5k in November. I am ready and committed I have planned out my progression from walking to running and allowed for some time of during the week we move. I am also swearing off Starbucks until I have ran 5 times next week. I am ready to start moving.

I am sick of being fat and I want to get pregnant again at a good weight. I am also moving back to the town I grew up in and the scared high school girl in me doesn't want to go back fat. So I need to do something.

Water=8

Food=5

Exercise=0

Challenge-0

Thursday

Today was a decent day despite being up until 3 am with Zoe. I hate when I am up all night with a kid, I feel so hung over. Which sucks because being hung over without the party is not fun. I ate a bit better today but no exercise....grrr....I need to get off my butt but I just can't get motivated it. At least I was productive around the house.

Water=6

Food=5

Exercise=o

Challenge=0

Wednesday

Finally some good news! We got our house again! Woohoo! I have seriously been a basket case so now I can concentrate on moving and losing weight.

Food=0

Water=6

Exercise=0

Challenge=0

Tuesday

How has the start been for you? I had a rough start because it is hard to start a diet on a holiday and all this house stuff has me going through the emotional ringer. One minute I am excited and the next I am in tears. I am sick of decisions and indecision. I want someone to just make the decision for me and I will leave with the consequences. But on a good note I have a washer and it appears to work. Now I have to catch up on all the laundry.

Monday

I got up and weighed myself. What a depressing thing. I have almost gained all my weight back. I need this challenge and I need to learn how to make eating and exercising a priority. Sigh.....I am rather depressed. A wrench has been thrown into our house buying plans and my washer broke. The fabulous house that I am in love with has been appraised much lower than the selling price so we can't get financed. There is hope, of course there always is, maybe we will get the house cheaper and there are other houses out there. So we will see. Right now it is time to worry about when I will exercise.

Water=4

Eating=0

Exercise=0

Challenge=0

Let' make this a great week!

Challenge

Okay, so Monday is the official start. I will start tallying your points weekly. Please post your points at least every week on Sunday. Feel fee to post daily too. If you do not post for two weeks than I will assume you are out. Everyone who posted during the warmup week will get a 10 point bonus.

Next week's challenge is to exercise. This may sound easy but if you are like me it is tough. All you have to do is at least 5 minutes of pure intended exercise to get 10 points. The challenge points this week only count once and then your exercise counts towards your regular exercise points, 5 points for 30 minutes.

Good luck!

Date Night

I was in desperate need of a break today. Mike and I have been discussing how I can get my breaks. I kind of wish he would volunteer and that I wouldn't have to plan it but as we have talked I have realized that that is not a reality. So today as I was getting cranky I decided that I wanted to go out for dinner and a movie. Unfortunately being the long weekend all my friends were busy. I didn't let that stop me. I went and had an amazing time! I got to read a book, eat a hot meal and have both arm rests to myself. I was worried that I would feel all self-conscious and lame but nope! I had a blast and came home refreshed. I can't wait to do it again. Because of the date night I did not count so I didn't do very well today. But the challenge doesn't start until Monday so.....I know excuses.

water=6

food=0

exercise=0

challenge=0

Thursday

Well, I didn't exercise but I was productive. Ally had a bad night and I really needed a nap but I am trying not to nap anymore because with moving and trying to exercise it is two hours wasted. Gloriously wasted. I love my naps and have always napped even before kids. Today I did some accounting which has been on my to-do list for months.

Water=7

Food=5

Exercise=0

Challenge=0

Motivation

How would you like this challenge to keep you motivated? Do you want me to email and harrass you? Or is just being part of the challenge enough? For me organizing the challenge really helps me. So you are helping me a ton so let me know what I can do to help you.

Feel free to post your points for Wednesday here. We won't be officially starting until Monday but those of you who are posting now will get an extra boost of points towards the month grand total and the winner then will get a great prize! I have been scanning the internet already.

Today was a good day, I had a salad for lunch and that really helped because I had a craving for junk tonight. I discovered these baked veggie chips and they are great. I pair the chips with hummous and it turns into a yummy snack and satisfies my junk craving.

Water=6

Eating=5

Exercise=0

Challenge=0

Tuesday

Today has been a very lazy day but it turned out amazingly! Our house has officially sold! I am so happy it has been a stressful month. I think the next month will be hard but at least some of the uncertainty is gone.

I didn't get dressed today and I find if I don't get dressed first thing in the morning that the day is a right off. I don't know why but I can't motivate myself to do anything when I am in my pj's. I ate okay, we ended up celebrating with some steak and starbucks but I counted my points.

Water=6

Eating=5

Exercise=0 I thought about it ;)

Challenge=0

Total=11

How was your day?

Monday

I am so excited! Thanks everyone for joining me. I hope that this challenge motivates you to get healthy and lose weight.

Water -10

Exercise -0 (It is hot...I have a terrible time motivating myself in the heat)

Eating-5

Challenge-20

Total=35

I wanted to clarify about the eating points. Basically you can do whatever you want but it needs to be something healthy and to help you lose weight. So it could be loosely doing weight watchers like me, Body for Life, counting calories or just eating vegetables/fruit at every meal.

The new vegetable that I am trying this week is kale. If you don't want to try a new veg, maybe try a new recipe. One of my good friends Pam, who is participating has an awesome food blog, Lobster and Fishsticks check it out to see if there are any recipes you would like to try. She has tons of great recipes that she has made even healthier. My sister in law gave me some kale that she grew in her garden. For lunch I made this recipe and also made another recipe for dinner. Mike was gone tonight playing golf so I knew if I made a meal of kale that it would get eaten. Kale is growing on me, it is really good. My absolute favorite way to eat kale is in Zuppa Tuscana from Olive Garden.

Post your points and let me know what your new vegetable is.

Challenge Time!

A new month is starting soon and I have decided to start a challenge for myself and any one who wants to join in. I need motivation and I think it will help. Leave a comment if you want to join in on the challenge. It is going to be a 3 month challenge but with prices at the end of each month. The goal is going to be weight loss but with mini goals of exercise and eating healthy. And for each thing you do you get points and the person with the most points wins. What do you win? Someting fabulous picked out by me! So who is with me? Any questions?

This week is just going to be a warm up since August doesn't start until Friday. This week the challenge is to find a new vegetable and make something with it. Here is how the points will be distributed:

Daily Points

Drinking water - 1 point per glass with a maximum of 10

Exercise- 5 points per 30 minutes

Eating - 5 points for eating well or on plan (counting points for me)

Weekly Points

10 points for each time you do the weekly challenge

I will post my progress every day and you can post a comment with your progress. I will tally up each week. Come on and join me and get your friends involved too!

Terrible

I realized after talking to my best friend the other day that I am a terrible person. She is going through a horrendous divorce and I feel for her. She is so strong and is such a great mom to her kids. I really admire her. What makes me a terrible person is that with all the stress she has lost 32 lbs with out doing anything. I am sooooo jealous! I hate hearing about people who just lose weight without trying. Here I am trying well not currently but still and I have barely lost anything. Now I wouldn't trade with my friend and I really wish she didn't have to go through what she is going through. Ahhh....stupid weight!

Life

We got another offer and by Friday we will know if it is sold. I really hope that it goes through because I am ready to start packing and having to show the house is a lot of work. I have been feeling low and tired and I think it is because I haven't been eating well and not exercising. I have re-jigged my exercise goal sheet and I am going to get back on the running/eating wagon on Monday and try for sooner. Mike is thinking about trying the Dr. Bernstein diet, I have known a few people who have had great success. I am fully supporting Mike to do the diet because he has been so supportive of me and I think I will benefit from the healthy food he will have to eat. It is really hardcore. I kind of wish I could do it but right now breastfeeding is more important to me. I will focus on being fit and hopefully the weight will come off and if it doesn't at least I am fit. I know I will be cranky and frustrated if it doesn't but at least I will feel healthy and that is what is important.

Life

We had an offer on the house last week but it fell through. I was so excited but incredibly stressed. Mike and I figured out that due to his golf weekend we had only about a week after the offer closed to pack! So I am thankful that it fell through a little bit. I don't like the stress of showing the house and constantly cleaning it but it is a neccessary evil. I hate the person it turns me into. I fly off the handle pretty easily and get angry with Ally more often than I like. She has started to throw food on the floor and to spit. It ticks me off because I am trying so hard to keep this house clean and I hate cleaning. Ally is pushing my buttons on purpose because I think she likes to get a reaction out of me. I wish I didn't get so angry but I just washed the floor or cleaned that spot or put that away. I also hate how I can't exercise with all this chaos. I actually missed the endorphins or whatever it is but I miss having that time to myself and working on me. I am feeling a bit burnt out.

I am also very excited about our future. We spent Canada Day in Didsbury and being there showed and reminded me of the neat activities for kids and the strong community that I have there. It really is going to be a great place to raise kids.

I also just love being close to everything and my parents! My kids are going to be so lucky....I hope one day they appreciate it too. So I have lots to complain about but I am also very thankful and excited.

Hmmmm....

I wonder how people do it. Exercise and eat healthy amoungst chaos. I am almost overwhelmed with showing our house. Today the girls and I had to pack up and leave twice and one time was during naptime. It is really exciting and I am very hopeful the house will sell just when is the key. I tried to go running today but it didn't work out and because of the awkward timing of the showings and keeping the house clean we ate out too. I tried to eat well. I am counting my points and I lost 2 lbs so that is good. I need that motivation to eat well this week.

Any tips on how to fit exercise in during chaotic times?

Frustrated

I am really frustrated with dieting. I haven't done it for about a week and half and I have very little desire to continue. Why, oh why is it so damn hard? I have been doing this diet for 8 weeks and half lost 3 lbs. Now I must admit I haven't followed it as good as I could have but still! I tried getting back on the wagon on Monday but that didn't work and here it is Wednesday and I going to give it another shot. I have cut down my daily points by 4 and that should work. What ticks me off and I have complained about this before is that before when I would have a bad week I wouldn't gain anything now I have a bad week and I gain like 5 lbs. It sucks. I hope cutting down my points will help. I am exercising more than ever and hardly losing anything that isn't cool. So I this week I will watch my supply and do my best to stay on plan.

On a good note my running is going really well! It is getting easier, not by much but I am feeling more confident in my ability to run. I think next week I will sign up for a 5k run. The original one I wanted to do is July 5, that maybe a bit soon so I am going to find another one that is at a better time.

Weekend

It has been a busy weekend. Mike and I went to look at houses and decided we are going to build a house! Scary!

Friday, we missed our class again due to rain. We went out on a little date night instead and it was wonderful! I love my kids dearly but it is nice to be away from them once in a while too. I also weighed in and gain 5 lbs so I enjoyed my dinner immensely. I know....bad. I am going to get back on the wagon on Monday. I think 80% is due to poor eating and the other 20% is not enough water and bouncing back from the marathon.

On Saturday, I went for a hike with my very fit sister and brother in law. They said it was a nice easy walk with a few little hills. Oh my, the hills killed me! I was huffing and puffing so hard by the top and there were about 4. I was a little embarrassed but my one shread of dignity was that I didn't need to be pushed up the hill like my sister in laws mother....seriously. They would hold her hips and help her up the hill by pushing her. Also I was carrying a baby.

Then today I did my first run with 3 minutes running and 1 minute walking. I am very surprised to say that it wasn't that bad. It was kind of easy. I actually enjoyed doing it and that has been a first. I am excited because that will help motivate me to continue. I really didn't want to run today.

Jogging and Jogging

I did my runs the last two days. I am glad I did the one tonight because I am a little more confident that I can handle running for 3 minutes. When I type or say that I feel like such a lard-ass. I guess in away I am but at least I am a lard-ass who is trying to lose the lard! Ha-ha!

I have completely fallen off the wagon food wise this week. It has been so hard with getting the house ready and then the night we planned to go for groceries we ended up having a showing. But I went today and got some healthy but easy meals too so that we don't have an excuse to eat out. I am dreading the scale tomorrow morning but tomorrow I will get back on the wagon and count and eat well.

I am also having trouble drinking enough water. I don't know why but I need to force myself to drink it and I am not getting enough in. That is my goal for next week to drink 8 glasses of water each day. I think fluids are really important for helping my supply and since Zoe isn't taking to solids I need to keep that supply going strong.

30 min Walk/Run

I did it.  Phew!  It is hard but I did it.  I have been so comsumed with the house selling that I have been putting my running aside.  I have decided that I am going to sign up for a 5k run.  I really need the motivation to keep my exercise important.  The class is really helpful too but I need something more....I think....I don't know why I am letting things slide.

I was thinking maybe the reason that I am finding this new goal hard to keep up is that I don't really believe that I can run for 20 minutes straight.  2 minutes right now is hard and I am scared of having to do 3 minutes on Friday!  I guess it shows how out of shape I am.  I think signing up for the run will be a small goal that I can reach and accomplish.  With the marathon I *knew* I could do it, walking is easy.  With running I barely know if I can finish the 30 minutes!  And I am not even running for 30 minutes straight!

I want to keep going for my health and fitness.  I need to remember why I am doing this.  For weightloss and ultimately my girls.  I want to run with Ally and soon enough Zoe.  I don't want to get winded from playing with them.  I need to keep telling myself this.

I also have been bad with my eating!  Ugh...the more I write the more disappointed I am with myself.  I have a good week and then slack again.  I am so close to saying good bye to the 200's.  It would be nice if I get there this week but I am not holding my breath.  I hope I didn't gain.  

Okay. It is only Tuesday.  I can do this!  I can run every day this week.  I can eat healthy.  Yes, I can!

Slack

Ugh!  This weekend has been so busy.  Mike and I have been working so hard to declutter our house and get it ready to sell.  It looks amazing but I am so tired.  I have also been very slack on my runs.  I finally did one tonight and I have a bunch to make up, so no rest days for me!  I did a 4 minute warm up and then 21 minutes of running/walking and 5 minute cool down.  I did it on the treadmill because it is rainy again and I am trying to get Zoe on a schedule.

She is so tired at 7pm and falls asleep while I am nursing her but 10 minutes after I put her down she is screaming again.  Tonight I had Mike go in and soothe her but it didn't work.  I had 2 or 3 nights last week where she went to sleep and slept until 10.  All I want is to have my evenings back and then she can come to bed with  me.  I am a bit frustrated tonight because I was really looking forward to having a bath and plus there is still more work to be done.  I also *hate* the crying.  Does anyone know of a way to get a baby to sleep with out crying?  Zoe does cry a bit when going down for her naps but it is less then 5 minutes.  But at night she can go longer than I can!  I hate hearing her cry.  The only thing that keeps me going is that I know she is tired and sleep is important.

Woo-hoo Pre-Pregnancy #2 Weight

I am so excited to say that I have gotten back to my pre-pregnancy weight from Zoe.  I am now 202!  It has been about a year since I last saw that number on the scale.  Now onto losing the weight I gained from Alexandra's pregnancy!  Which is another 50 lbs.

I didn't run yesterday because I was too consumed with packing up my clutter to put the house on the market and then I was too tired, I will make it up on the weekend.  My class is tonight and I am not sure if I am going to go because it is rainy and cold.  I really should but I am working hard at packing stuff up and getting the house ready for Monday, when we get pictures done.

We have decided to move to Didsbury, where I grew up and my parents still live.  We think a small town will be perfect for our kids to grow up.  I really like that my kids will be able to walk to school.  I am ready for our 'forever' house.  It is going to be stressful but the realtor we met with thinks that if it hasn't sold by August 1 that it probably won't.  So then we will try again next year.  

I really don't relish the idea of all the cleaning that is needed to be done ALL THE TIME but I want to move.  I think this is as good a time as any.

Back to the Grind

I was able to do about 10 minutes of jogging yesterday until I was too sore to keep going.  I am happy that I did it especially since I just did the marathon.  I am having a hard time getting out in the morning for swimming.  Zoe has been sick the last couple of days so I don't know if I will make it this week at all.  6am is so early when you have been up with a sick baby.

On a good note, I have started putting Zoe down in the evenings.  Up until now she has been tired but really fighting sleep.  I decided to start a routine and do a bit of crying it out and it has worked.  It only took 2 nights and last night was such a treat to have my evenings back.  Tonight I might even do some knitting.

Today I had a bunch of running around and I squeezed my  run in this morning.  I have been doing my runs at the school track but it was being used to day so I ran around the block a couple times.  I had to cut it short by 2 minutes because Zoe was freaking out.  I am getting nervous again about having to run 2 straight minutes.  I hope I can do it.

New Goal

Well, I am not at my goal weight or even close.  I have really enjoyed my training and I want to keep up the amount of exercise that I have been doing.  I still have 50+ lbs to lose and 6 months is my goal to get there.  I have decided that my new goal is to be able to run for 20 minutes straight and to enjoy it.  Along the way I am going to do a couple of races I want to do two 5 km races and one 10 km.  I also want to continue...err...start swimming regularily too.  I have created a 21 week plan to end with running the 10 km in October.

Completed Goal

Here is my training sheet with most of it crossed off!  I really enjoyed the training for the marathon almost more than the actual event.  I really like having a big goal at the end to motivate me to exercise.

I did it!

I did it!  The marathon.  All 13.1 miles or 21.1 km.  I am tired and sore but proud.  I am so thankful that I had my sister there by my side the whole way.  At this point that is the best part of doing the marathon.  I am still in shock and I am still processing the whole event.  It was a tremendous amount of work.  I am amazed at how the extra 3 miles took a tole on my body.  My hips are the sorest and I can barely walk. I am having digestive issues too.  I think I am low on electrolytes, so I am hoping Mike will bring me home some gatorade.  I will start from the beginning and tell you everything I can remember.

I got up at 5:30 and had some oatmeal. I figured it was a safe breakfast that would provide some good nutrition and energy.  I hadn't slept well due to excitement and unfortunately Ally was up twice too.  Danielle came and we drove to the c-train.  It was neat taking the c-train because about 90% of the passengers were there for the marathon.  When we got to the park where the marathon started, I still couldn't believe how many people there were!  It was incredible.  I wanted to use the bathroom but the line ups were crazy and I didn't want to wait in line.  Danielle and I made our way to the starting line.  I was so excited and nervous.  It was neat standing amongst the people getting ready.  

The race started and for the life of me I can't remember if it was a gun or something else.  And Danielle and I took off.  We slowly made our way to the right where slower walkers or runners were supposed to be.  For about the first kilometer was the crowd spreading out.   After we got to the second or third kilometer it was mainly walkers.  Danielle and I trudged on and set a time goal to get to 6 km.  I wanted us to get there for about an hour because that is what we had done in training.   I wanted to get down the marathon at under 4 hours.  After 6km, we were walking at a good pace of 10 minutes per kilometer.  I stopped at the washroom at 9 km, I am really glad that I did because if I did it any later I think it would have been hard to get back up.  

Just before the halfway point was a drum corp which pumped me up since I used to be in one.  I got a second wind at that point.  The way the race was set up we got to pass the drum corp twice which was awesome.  I found the entertainment to be really motivating and got me excited.

After 16 km it started to get really tough.  My hips started to get sore and a bit stiff.  I am proud to say that we kept pace.  Danielle had more energy than me and I had to push to keep up with her.  It really helped.  She was really encouraging too.  I really pushed myself to keep going.  At one point in the race we talked about doing some jogging around 18 km but I didn't have it in me.  I really enjoyed the encourgament from the few spectators too, every little bit helps.  Also around this time we began to see a bunch of people who had completed the half marathon walking home!  I was flabbergasted and at one point I said to Danielle that they had no right to walk past us all happy!  I was a bit cranky near the end.

We rounded the last corner and saw the finish line.  I didn't think I could run but I did.  My mom was there cheering us on.  It was so great having someone cheer you on at the last stretch.  I was really overwhelmed and felt like crying.  It was nice crossing the finish line and good to be done!

Mike unfortunately missed it.  I was disappointed but what can you do?  He had a hard time getting both girls out of the house and finding parking.  Zoe was pretty good, she didn't cry the whole time but refused to eat anything!  Thankfully she was still calm after the race because I needed to take my sports bra off to nurse her and I couldn't do that in a crowd of people.

After the race we went out for a buffet and I enjoyed it and I didn't count any points.  I think the best time for a buffet is after a marathon when you don't care about the calories you are consuming.  Then I came home and napped.  I had booked a massage which was so wonderful!  Then I spent the rest of the evening in bed.

Learn to Run Class

Today was my class and weigh in day.  I tried to really follow the Weight Watchers Program this week and to count everything and not go over my points.  It worked!  I lost 4.5 lbs!  The lesson I learned is that if I want to lose weight I have to do the program exactly.  I was used to the last time on the program that I could have a bad week and not gain or even lose well not this time around.  As Mike told me,"The program works if you do it"  

The class went really well.  I am impressed with myself that I was able to do the 1 minute run and 1 minute walk.  Next week is still scary but I am starting to believe that I can do the running program and I just may be a runner by the end.  I was near the end of the pack but I didn't care because I didn't have any pain in my legs and I had stamina to go on.

Thursday Run

Mike was playing golf after work today so he wasn't going to run with  me.  I am really wasn't sure if and when I would go for my run.  It was supposed to be a rest day but I am scared of the next progression at the class tomorrow.  I figured that if I trained one more day I would be able to handle the walk 1 minute run 1 minute sequence.  

During the run, there were a couple times during the walk that I looked at my watch around the minute mark wondering if it was time to run.  I think that that shows I am ready for the progression and I am recovering after 1 minute now.

Getting out for the run was a bit of a challenge since I had to take both girls with no help but we did it and they were awesome!  It was a good night all around.  I don't like having no help at night because it is a challenging time but Mike deserves to get out too.  I am glad that there was only one tantrum and I got both girls bathed!

Wednesday Run/Walk

I have decided not to go swimming this week because I am finding the running to be really hard on my body and I am too close to the marathon to burn out.  I will pick it up next week.

I did my runs!  I am always so proud of myself when I just get out and do it because some days that really is the hardest part.  On Wednesday I took advantage of Mike working at home and when both girls were down for their nap I headed out.  I forgot my mp3 player and it would have made it just a bit more enjoyable.  Still it was a great work out, my legs hurt a bit near the end but not too bad.  

Mike went out while I was at Brownies and he took the stroller.  He couldn't believe how much harder it was pushing the stroller, he was very impressed with me.  I didn't think it was that hard but I am used to pushing it.

Freaking Out!

I just looked at the route for the marathon and I am freaking out!  It looks like such a long way!  It is amazing how long 13.1 miles looks.  I am going to try and not freak out too much and I will have to keep reminding myself that I have walk 10 miles and 3 more is doable.  Deep Breath....Deep Breath.  

I can do this.  I can do this. I can do this.  I can do this.  

30 min Run/Walk

I didn't make it swimming.  6am came to early and Mike didn't want to wake up with Zoe.  Tonight we will go to bed early so that I have a chance to swim.  I did try out going to Spa Lady to see if that would be a good alternative.  It is a great gym but Zoe is too young for the babysitting, she lasted 10 minutes before they had to call me.  

Mike and I did our jog after dinner and it went okay.  I am amazed at how hard it is.  I thought it would be okay because I had been training for the marathon.  I am starting to see how important getting your heart rate up is and I don't think my walking has given me a good enough cardiovascular work out.  So it was hard and I was worried about my shin splints because they were bugging me again but we did it.   We just headed down the road to the school where the track is.  The 21 minute walk 2 minute run 1 minute circuit went really well and fast.  

I am worried about when it increases on Friday but I will keep training and just keep trying.  I think it will be easier after the marathon is done because then I won't be worried about hurting myself.  

6 Days!!

OMG!  The marathon is so close!  I can not believe it.  I am just so excited!  This week I am going to take it easy but continue with swimming and jogging.

I am also trying to decide what the next goal is going to be.  It drives Mike nuts that I haven't even finished this marathon and I am on to the next thing.  But hey, that's me.

10 Miles

I was really not into the walk yesterday.  I had no motivation.  The only thing that got  me out of bed and out the door was that I knew my sister was waiting.  I was still really sore from the jogging and Mike was busy so I had no one to take Zoe.  

Danielle and I set out after joking about skipping the walk and going for breakfast.  Danielle picked a great route with some good hills.  The hills killed me and emphasized how sore I was and that the jogging took more out of me then I had thought.  It seemed to take forever to get to 2 miles.  I wanted to quit then.  But Danielle encouraged me to keep going.  Getting to 5 miles was really hard too.  My back was starting to hurt from carrying Zoe and my hips and inner thighs were killing me.  I was still contemplating quitting but again thanks to Danielle we kept going.  

After the halfway mark, Zoe started cranking, so I began to get worried that we wouldn't be able to finish.  Getting to the halfway mark renewed what little motivation I had.  But Zoe was getting up set so we called for Danielle's husband to come get us.  We made it to about mile 8.  I am disappointed but I was trying to be mindful of my body and that the marathon is next week.  NEXT WEEK!  And I have taken on a lot in the past week; swimming and jogging.  And pushing myself to hard so close to the marathon could actually jeopardize that marathon and that would suck.

When I got home I was so dead!  I just crawled into bed.  That was one of the first times that I was so exhausted afterwards.  I realized that I had made the right choice to quit.  Or to rephrase it in a positive way to end.

60 Minute Run/Walk

On Saturday I was a bit sore from the class but I decided that I needed to do my walk and why not add in a 21 minute run.  I ended up doing it on the treadmill when the girls were napping.  In the class I found I had shin splints agains so I decided to warm up for 20 minutes, do the jog sequence followed by a 20 minute cool down.  The running went great, I didn't like doing it on the treadmill because it was annoying increasing and decreasing the speed.  I also felt like I was controlled by the speed of the treadmill and I couldn't go slower or faster.  I was sore afterwards but not too bad.  I felt great and I really enjoyed the jogging part.  I am feeling more confident that I can become a runner.

After the walk we went to the Running Room to go and get some watches to help with the running and to get a few things for the marathon.  The watch I got was a Timex with 2 interval timers so that it beeps to tell me when to run and walk.  This weeks pace is walk 2 minutes and run 1 minute.

Learn to Run

Mike and I started our first class tonight and it went really well!  I had some issues with shin splints but I am happy to say that it was enjoyable and went by fast.  We walked for 2 minutes and ran for one.  I like this 'date night' of ours!

The girls were okay and that will make next week's class less stressful.  

Now on to the training!  I am going to add a 21 minute jog/walk to my regular walks this week.

Cranky!

I did my walk and swim yesterday.  Just before dinner I weighed myself and I am up!  Grrr......So I jumped off the wagon with gusto and went to Cheesecake Cafe for dinner.  I am so pissed, why doesn't exercising equal weight loss?  I know I went over my points this week and didn't eat very well but why is it this hard?

I am training for a freaking marathon and haven't lost anything!  That isn't fair.  I don't like dieting.  I want to eat what I want and enjoy it.  Why doesn't it work that way for me?  I am bummed and frustrated.

But I am going to get back on it and do better this week.  I am going to swim more, my running class starst and I am not going to go over my points.

30 mins

Mike has been sick and working like a dog so when the alarm went off this morning for me to go swimming, he asked me to stay home.  He just couldn't get up if Zoe woke up early again.  I was pissed.   Not really at him.  I was just frustrated and it has been hard not having anyone able to take Zoe.  Unfortunately that ruined my day.  I shouldn't have let it fester because Mike has been nothing but supportive of my marathon and getting fit.  He really has been wonderful.

I decided to take a nap instead of exercise.  I thought I would go after Brownies.   I asked Mike to join me and it was a good thing I did  because after Brownies I was tired and didn't want to exercise.  Thankfully Mike encouraged me to just get it over with.  So I strapped Zoe on and walked.

I am so glad that I did it because I don't have to make it up and it is done.  So far I have stucked to my goal of not skipping a walk. 

10 more days!!

45 minutes

Mike is now working from home.  With him working from home I thought I would take the opportunity to go swimming at 6am.  I set my alarm and actually was able to get up.  I swam for about 45 minutes.  I really enjoyed it.  I had forgotten how much I love swimming and how hard it is.  After about 5 minutes I thought to myself, "Okay, this was good....how about the hot tub."  But I kept swimming.  45 minutes seemed to take forever, I am sure it will go faster the more I do it.  Now all I want is a water proof MP3 player.

I also did my 45 min walk too.  My goal is to do it at nap time with or without Zoe and then go have a nap too.  I also want to not skip any walks this week.  I am so close to the end of this goal.  The marathon is in 11 days!!  Crazy!

I am getting really excited and I am getting into this exercise stuff too.  Swimming in the mornings and my learn to run class starts on Friday!  I am going to be so fit!

Reframing

Danielle and I have both struggled with our weight for awhile now.  It is really nice doing the marathon with her because it allows me to share how I feel with someone who is going through the same thing and it is great to have someone to help motivate you.

We were discussing negative self talk and how it effects us.  I never really believed in that psycho-mumble jumble before but as I am trying to change my lifestyle for my girls I am wondering if it really does matter.  Danielle mentioned a conversation with her husband where she couldn't see how gorgeous she is and he was dumbfounded.  She is a amazing but I can agree it is so hard to see yourself as beautiful.  I really want my girls to love themselves and see that they are beautiful no matter what.  I want to be a good example for them so I am going to try and reframe my self talk.  No more, "I am fat" etc I am going to focus on how fit I am.  I feel that will work because it isn't lying to myself and it is something I have control over.  In time I would like to have the confidence again to look in the mirror and say,"Day-umn!"  I think focusing on being fit and instead of the weight lose or possible gain will be better for my self worth in the long run.

I worry so much about body image and how girls are so effected by it.  I sometimes want to pack up my family and move to some remote mountain cabin just to shelter them from the evils of society.  It saddens me when my sister talks about how the kids called her fat and made fun of her.  It really hurt her and I don't want that for my girls.  AT. ALL.

8 miles

My sister came over nice and early and we set out to do our walk.   I was on a strict timeline because Mike had to work this afternoon.  We had to be done around 2 hours.  So we set out we make decent time to the 2 mile mark and I wanted to be half way by 1 hour.  It was getting close so we decided to jog a bit.  We jogged the last bit of every block.  The jogging went well, I just need to make sure I wear a good bra.  The fun part is that Danielle and I got honked at a couple times and one guy yelled out his window professing his love to us and that he wanted to make out right now.  It was kind of annoying but really flattering at the same time.

I am petrified of jogging but it has some great calorie burning benefits and I do want my next marathon time to be faster.  Mike and I have signed up for a Learn to Run class that starts next Friday.  I have been slowly trying to jog a bit just to prepare myself for the class and running in front of people. 

 I am excited for the class because I am excited for Mike and I to get out without kids and do some exercise.  If both of us are getting it fit the closer we are to becoming a fit family.

Up and Down

Friday I wasn't feeling great so I skipped my walk....AGAIN!  I am so bad.  But on Saturday I made it up by moving my sister who lives in the basement.  Mike has moved like a million times and before the move he was so worried about who would help him lift because my parents have some issues  and for some reason he thought I was weak too.  So I showed him!  I was a moving super star.  Later we were talking about why he thought I was such a weakling, he said that he was just used to me being pregnant.  That is a good excuse since I have been pregnant for almost half of the time we have lived in this house.

I decided since I had been going up and down the stairs for about an hour and a half that it counts as my walks.

Later today, Danielle is coming over and we are going to do our walk.  I really want to get it down in 2 hrs because that is the speed that would be good for the marathon.

Down 1.5 lbs!

I skipped my walk yesterday....I know bad!  But I wanted to do it with Mike and then it got too late.  Excuses....excuses...  I will be making it up today though.

Today is my weigh in and I am down 1.5 lbs for a total of 4.5!!  I am really happy because I didn't eat very well yesterday.  I was losing motivation because I hadn't lost weight last week.  I am so fickle, I was actually contemplating just quitting because I really wanted to have some chocolate last night.  What made this week successful is that I was able to count all my points and used them all.  I only went over yesterday.  I sometimes find when we go out for dinner that I lose track and just guess and most of the time probably not guess enough.

45 mins and a crap day

Today has been one of THE worst days ever.  It all started when I woke up and looked around the house as I stumbled and tripped my way  to make some coffee.  The house was a sty and Mike hadn't done anything the night before.  I was just so ticked.  I was also really jealous that he gets to play his game while I had to fight with Zoe so I could eat last night.

Then Mike had to complain about the laundry and how it hasn't been done yet and he doesn't have any shirts to wear.  The poor guy because I laid into him and then he went to work and I sent him a nasty email.  He really didn't deserve any of it.  I was trying to be in control of my emotions but I just can't handle fighting and with being sleep deprived, I just fell into a black pit of despair and I brought up every imaginable thing he had ever done wrong.  Then the more I thought the more depressed I got.  He was trying to be nice but I did hurt him and that realization made me even more upset.  So I cancelled our plans to go and see a little Thomas the Tank play and decided to clean the house.

I got the house done, well about 75% and my mood has slowly gotten better.  I still feel really badly about being so awful.  I decided that I should go to bed early like 8 or 9pm.

The high point of my day so far is that I got my walk done.  I am proud because I really wanted to curl into bed and wallow in my misery.  I have brownies tonight so I knew I would be out and it is hard to do the walk after the meeting.  Plus I should talk to Mike and spend some time with him after this morning.  So I put Ally down and strapped Zoe on.  And afterwards, I even had some time for tea and chocolate to help my mood.

They fit!!!

I can't believe it.  I am really happy.  It is so nice to fit into something that you didn't think you could.  I think I am going to where these pants until they fall off!

30 min

Today has been fairly busy and it isn't even over yet.  I met up with my sister at costco and I got the shopping done.  I also bought a pair of linen pants, I bought a size 14 about a size too small.  I am going to try them on and see how small and if it is worth it to keep or just return them.  Linen is kind of scary because there is no stretch.  So we shall see.  The nice thing about costco is that you can return pretty much anything at any time.  So I don't think it will hurt to hold on to them for a couple of weeks.

I have a Girl Guide Volunteer Appreciation Dinner tonight, so I had to do my walk during the day.  I managed to get both girls down and was able to do 30 mins.  My walk is supposed to be 45 min but I will switch it around and do it tomorrow.  I think it is more important to get a walk done.  Especially when all I wanted was to go have a nap.

Almost 10 miles

Yesterday, I managed to fit in my walk amoungst the 4 mothers we celebrated.  Mike let me sleep in and then made me breakfast and the girls and him bought me some walking accessories; a hat, water belt and really good double layer socks.  I was really excited when they gave me my present and used it for my walk.

The socks were fabulous!  I didn't get any blisters.  The socks are double layer and they are supposed to rub against the layers instead of my feet and it worked really well.

Danielle and I did the walk and we were brave enough to do 4 hills.  We walked around the town where my parents live again.  There was more traffic today so it wasn't as enjoyable as last week.  We also just mapped out 5miles one way and then turned around.  I love the turn around point.  It helps to know where you are and how close you are to being done.  

Unfortunately it started raining in our last mile.  We kept going, it started coming down really hard and getting really cold.  We decided that we were going to finish and not call anyone to pick us up but our wonderful husbands came.  We had about a half a mile to go so we did really well too.  

The neat thing is that we even were able to jog in our last mile -  mainly to get out of the rain sooner.  But I think that is awesome that we still had energy to do it.

Bummed

Friday was my weigh-in day and I didn't lose anything.  I tried not to get upset but I must admit it ruined my day!  I wasn't perfect but I think better than normal.  Oh well on to the next week.  If I don't lose weight this week than I might drop my daily points down a bit.

I have been bad this week and skipped a day here and there but I have done all my walks by combining two at a time.  I really miss having two rest days.  This week my goal is too do all my walks on the right day.

30 min and 45 min

I was busy yesterday with playgroup and Brownies so I didn't get my 30 min walk in.  I wasn't too worried but then today, I was cranky and tired and was not going to do the walks.  I kept thinking of ways I could do it later.  I couldn't come up with a good plan and because I was so cranky I was just not going to do it.  But thinkinh about not doing it was making me even more cranky because I am so close and I have worked so hard.

After dinner I was hit with a wave of motivation and I jumped on it.  Thankfully nothing stood in my way; Zoe was fed and Mike could put Ally down.  So I strapped Zoe up.  Ally was so cute as I was getting ready she wanted me to put her in the carrier and go downstairs.  Sadly I couldn't because she would not last that long and it was bed time.

My original plan was to try and do an hour and if I didn't want to continue even 45 would be okay.  I got on the treadmill and luckily  my favorite weightloss show X- Weighted was on.  It is a great show and it is done in Canada.  It follows people over 6 months losing weight and increasing their fitness.  I started the walk 15 minutes before the end and luckily there was a new one after.  The show had 2 moms working together to lose about 50lbs.  It was really inspiring and I kept going and did 1 hr 15 mins just to watch the whole show and it caught me up.  I hope that I can do as well in 6 months!

45 Minutes

It was rainy last night so I had to do my walk indoors and the neat thing is Mike still joined me.  He is starting to join me a bit on our walks and wants to get fit with me too.  We are actually signing up for a learn to runs class that starts in a week and a half.

I love having company during my walks it makes the time go by much faster.  I also really like that Mike is joining me with out me nagging.  One of my biggest reasons for getting fit is my daughters and teaching them about an active lifestyle.  I think the best way to do that is to show them.  Plus I like when Mike and I do stuff together.  I am just tickled that we are getting fit together.

I have to say that I hate my treadmill!  It is so much harder and not as enjoyable.  Thank goodness it is springtime.  Now I need to encourage  myself to get out when it is rainy too.

9 Miles

I did it!  Woot!  Woot!  I am so proud of myself.  I am a bit sore but I am high from the exercise and the acheivement.

Getting the walk in was touch and go for a bit.  We were so busy this weekend with a reunion and visiting my mother in law.  I set out to do the walk this morning with Zoe but it was really windy and I had to get Mike to come and get us.  Luckily my sister wanted to do the walk with me and we met up at my parents house and did it.  It worked out great going to my parents because then Mike had help with the kids.

I started out carrying Zoe and made it about half way when my Mom came by with water and encouragement.  Zoe was doing really well but I let Mom take her because I figured it wouldn't take to long before Zoe would get upset.  Also I was a little concerned about the sun.  

Today was the perfect day for a walk, it was about 20 C out!  I just love the first couple of nice days because you really appreciate them and being outside for close to 3 hours is such a treat.  The sun was shining and there were barely any clouds in the sky.

We walked around the small town that we grew up in and it was funny talking about some of the places we would never have walked to before and how it really wasn't that far away.  Danielle and I were reminiscing about walking home from school and to friends houses.

The marathon is in 28 days!  Crazy!  If you would have asked me back in January if I thought I would be this close to do a marathon I think I would have laughed but here I am!

Slack Week

I have been slack with my walks.  I didn't do my walk on Wednesday or Thursday.  So I made them up on Friday.  This week seemed to run away from me.  I didn't get anything done around the house.  I have piles of laundry and dishes.  

I went for a nice walk with my sister yesterday.  We did some big hills while pushing the chariot.  Zoe still hates the stroller but Ally loves it!  I can not believe how well she does in there.  There are no complaints.

Now for the good news.....I love 3.5 lbs this week!  Yeah!  I am so excited and even more  motivated to keep it up.  I am starting to believe that with counting my  points and exercising that I will lose the weight, I could be 50 lbs lighter by December!

45 Min Easy

I really wanted to do my walk outside yesterday but alas it was snowing again!  Darn weather.  I got on my trusty treadmill and walked while watching TLC.  One thing that struck me was how easy 45 minutes seems now.  I remember when it was so hard to finish and it seemed like such a long time.  Now it goes so quickly.

Counting my calories is going well and eating veggies too.  I am settling into this dieting again too.  I did freak out a bit in regards to my supply.  I just made some alfalfa tea to boost my supply and tried to calm down.  I realized that one day of crankiness doesn't neccesarily mean that my supply has dropped.  It did make me realize that even with my brave talk and everything going so well with Zoe that I am still petrified of not having enough milk.

It is such a fine line between being taking care of me and taking care of my girls.  Both are important and depending on the day one can be more important than the other.

back to counting points

I have been counting my calories for 3 days now and it has gone well.  I am feeling really good  and determined to get this weight off.  I am enjoying the work.  I worry that I won't lose anything when I weigh myself on Friday but I guess that is a chance I have to take.  I am really focusing on eating well and that will help my overall health even if for some weird reason (breastfeeding) it still doesn't come off.

So I promised a challenge for this week.  The challenge is to eat a fruit or vegetable at every meal. I started this morning by eating half a banana, which is awesome because I *hate* bananas! 

6 Miles

Today was a very busy day with a play date, a birthday party and a house to clean.  It was a challenge to get the walk and I was worried that if I didn't squeeze it in somehow that I would post pone it like last week.  So I walked just over 6 miles to where the playdate was.  I carried Zoe and Mike and Ally drove there.  I left about an hour and half before.

It is really weird walking to a place that you normally drive too.  It felt like a really long walk and the first 2 miles were really hard because I had bad shin splints again but I did it!  I was a bit slower than I wanted to be but I powered through the shin splints and I think the lights added some time too.  All in all, I am proud that I did it.  

Now there are 4 weeks left!  Eeek!  Crazy how fast this training has gone.  And I think I can now say that I am really enjoying the exercise, which is big for me because I have never like exercise.  I still dread getting out and it I have to really push myself to put my shoes on but I know I will have a great time once I get going.  I love the chance to think and enjoy my music without someone demanding attention.  Even though I am still carrying a kid it is the closest I come to me time and I love it.

Sick and Tired

I am sick and tired of squeezing into my fat jeans.  I am exercising a ton and not losing weight!  It ticks me off because I wanted to be one of those people who just started exercising and the weight fell off.  Well, unfortunately that isn't me either.  I guess I should realize that weight doesn't fall off unless I work really hard.  Up until now I have been exercising and eating what I want.  That has been fun and I have enjoyed it all.  But it is time for a change and to get serious.

Of course my supply is still a big concern but I think it will be okay.  I worry of course but I am only going to cut down and eat healthier and that can't hurt.  It does stress me out a ton but.....I need to be healthy and I guess at this point I need to try it first and deal when it happens.

My plan is to follow Weight Watchers and count my points and I am going to really focus on the vegetables.  I have done Weight Watchers before while I was preparing for my wedding and I lost over 40lbs.  I want that to happen again!  So here it goes.  I can't go to meetings and I am sorry but I don't have the money to do it online.  I think it is a great program and I love that it has a program for nursing mothers.  If you have the money it is completely worth every penny.

I am going to set challenges for myself and feel free to follow along and join me.  I would love if you readers would join me and we can motivate each other.  So stayed tuned I will annouce our challenge on Monday.

Flow

Earlier this week I was talking to my sister in law who has just gone back to work part time, which she is ecstatic about.  She was telling me about a this article she read about every person needing 4-6 hrs of 'flow ' a day.  'Flow' being whatever a person does that they get completely engrossed in and can lose track of time.  She said that most moms don't get enough 'flow' and that is so true.  When she said that I had to really think about when was the last time I had 'flow' and what gave me that.  I think it is important for a mom's mental health to find what gives her that and to try and do it once a day but being a mom even once a week would be nice.

My walks are starting to be that where it doesn't feel like a chore but I really enjoy and time just flies.  But I want to find other stuff that gives me that 'flow', I want to get back into knitting and maybe learn to sew.  Maybe when Zoe starts sleeping at a consistent time.

Super Mom!

On top  of doing my 8 miles I was also productive around the house.  I took both girls grocery shopping this morning for the first time!  I never liked taking just Ally to the store because she is such a handful and I have been petrified of taking both girls by  myself.  I discovered that Safeway has carts that have a car in front that you can belt a toddler into.  Ally loves it so I can wheel around the store and not have to worry about her too  much.  I had Zoe in a sling and I pushed the car and did the shopping, it was great.  Also thankfully Safeway has carry out too.  

When we got home I put Zoe down for her nap and Ally played on her slide while I brought the groceries in.  Then she painted while I threw together a casserole from a bunch of leftovers and then we had lunch.  

Then both girls napped.  I am getting better at getting both of them down around the same time so that I a bit of a break, which is so wonderful.  It has only been a week of them going down at the same time but I am loving it.

While the girls napped I cleaned the kitchen and started washing the floor when Ally woke up to help.  It is so tough getting a floor washed with a toddler.  She is much better now, I have tile floor and she would walk on the wet area then fall and get hurt.  Now she stays out of the way but she is fascinated with the bucket.

After a that we made some muffins and then  put supper in over and got ready for  my walk.  I am just so impressed with myself!  It is not every day or week that I am this productive.  I love the feeling after such a great day.  It is so rewarding.

Finally 8 miles!!

I did it!  I have now officially walked the farthest I have ever done in my life!  And what a feat.  Today I knew I had to get the walk in or I wouldn't do it.  I also had to plan really well.  I decided to have some time with the hubby I had to take the girls with me for the walk.  I knew that Ally for sure would not be able to sit in the stroller the entire time.  I packed the girls up in our new fabulous chariot and filled it with special snacks, drinks and toys.  I left the house around 4 pm and hoping to be about half way when Mike would be home from work so he could take the girls.

The walk went amazingly.  Ally did really well despite some poking at Zoe, she sang and played and talked to me.  Zoe did okay.  She would cry here and there and then at the turn around point she wouldn't stop and by the time Mike came about 15 minutes later she was DONE and everyone in a miles radius knew that she was not a happy baby.  Mike came and started unbuckling the girls and putting them into their carseats while I emptied and packed up the stroller.

Then I put my mp3 player on and went.  I did 8 miles in 2hrs and 20 minutes.  I kind of think that I could knock off like 10 minutes for stopping at lights, getting snacks and when Mike picked the girls up.  I am so impressed with the time. It is close to 4 miles an hour which is the speed I want for the marathon and better than  my last walk of 7 miles in 2 hrs 5 min.   Yeah!

I am also not hurting to bad.  I did dip into the tub with some wine for about 5 minutes before Zoe woke and wouldn't soothe for Mike.  Those 5 minutes were heaven though.  My heels hurt and I think after the next long walk I will treat myself to a pedicure.

Thwarted!

I was all set to do my 8 mile walk yesterday afternoon, I had Zoe all wrapped up, my cell phone, mp3 player and water.  Zoe was cranking but I started my walk anyways thinking she would fall asleep like she usually does.  She didn't, she got madder and madder, so I turned around and went home.  

I am not ready to leave Mike along with the kids just yet.  I don't know why, he is a great dad.  But Zoe is still young and only wants me and usually screams for Mike and I know how hard it is to have one kid screaming and trying to deal with the other.

So since I didn't do the 8 mile walk, I am juggling my week around.  I  did Tuesdays 45 minute walk on Sunday and I did the 30 min stroll today.  I will be doing my 8 miles on Tuesday.  I will.  I must!

Springtime

I think we can officially say it is spring!!  Today was gorgeous.  So I decided that the whole family were going to go for my 50 minute stroll today.  We bundled up because it was windy out and headed to North Glenmore Park.  It was great.  Weirdly enough I had no pain at all and really enjoyed the walk.  I had a great time and I am looking forward to the 8 mile walk tomorrow.

I met up with a friend who has a 21 month old today and she was complaining too about how she hasn’t lost weight at all even with tons of exercise.  She thinks my theory of not being able to lose weight while breastfeeding might be true.  I love that I have a theory and people who are struggling with the weight too but I would really like to be wrong.  I don’t want to be this weight and I don’t want to be pregnant again at this weight.

I am thinking that after this marathon I am going to cut calories and really start to try and lose the weight.

I think I can, I think I can

Tonight I was the little engine that could.  I had to really work to get my walk done.  My legs and ankles were hurting again.  It took every ounce in me to keep going and to not quit.  I kept chanting, “I can do this” over and over.  What kept me going was knowing that the marathon will be hard and it is going to hurt too.  In a way I need to practice pushing through the pain.

I am a little annoyed that my motivation is waning.  Tonight I almost convinced myself to lie to Mike and tell him that I did the walk earlier in the day.  But who is that cheating him or me?  Me, of course.  I should be getting more excited as the day becomes closer but I think I am getting scared.

I am scared that I will not be able to finish.  I am scared that I will really hurt myself.  I am scared that I will be the last one to cross the finish line.

I know completly irrational especially being scared of being the last one because that still means I did it.  I guess I want to do better than Mike did.  I am competitive at the weirdest things.  I feel like I have been training better and more consistently than he ever did so that means I should do better.  But that is necesarily the case, is it?  We are too different people.

I need to work on the motivation….