Merry Christmas

December flew by faster than a G6 (has anyone heard that song?  Mike and I are weirdly in love with it.) Christmas is such a wonderful time but can be so chaotic!  Christmas for us was full of visiting family, wonderful gifts, amazing food and a hospital trip.

I don't know exactly what was wrong but we took Georgia in and that caused me to miss one of our Christmas celebrations.  At this point it comes down to gas and constipation for Georgia and she was in a lot pain because of it.   It was a stressful day and I am not quite convinced that her problem was as simple as constipation so I will be going in to see our doctor for follow up.

My daughters were absolutely spoiled but in a good way, they recieved some really wonderful and thoughtful gifts.  My challenge is to organize it well so that it doesn't get lost.  I also recieved some great gifts that I am very excited about, mainly cooking things.

As Christmas draws to a close and the New Year is approaching, my mind has begun to think about weightloss again.  This past month I have enjoyed all the great baking and food that comes with Christmas.  I decided to just enjoy guilt free.  It has been great!  But I am in sugar overload and I am thankful for January where things will be calming down.

I am trying to decide if I should do a New Year's Resolution or something less formal.  I want to lose weight again and get back to eating healthy.  So stay tuned to see what is in store for the New Year. 

Any one interested in working together?

Maybe it does...

Some of my readers have been wondering how my weight loss efforts have been going.  After being so enthusiastic a month ago, I really haven't been doing much.  Mike has started consulting in the city and is gone all day and some evenings too.  That has been hard so exercise and weightloss has been put on the back burner as I learn to parent 3 children.  I haven't been too worried because well it is the Christmas season and I have been doing a lot of baking.  Now here is a shocker....I have actually been losing weight!  Woohoo!  Finally breastfeeding is working for me!  For the last 3 weeks I have lost 2lbs each week.  I don't know how long it will last but I am enjoying the benefits right now.

Positive Thoughts

I am so glad I wrote the last post when I did because the very next day things went downhill fast and I was thisclose to throwing in the towel.  And in true Melynda fashion I freaked out and signed up for every parenting class I could find.  Now a week later I am calm and reminding myself that, "This to shall pass."

What was so bad?  Ally being the first to go through everything constantly challenges me.  I find babies to be easy, granted I am blessed with easy babies but I have been through the newborn stage 3 times and I know what is coming and how to deal with it.  Three going on four is a something on to itself.  Ally somehow manages to throw every curve ball there is and of course at the worst times.  Last week Ally proceeded to  use her bedroom (which is two feet away from the bathroom) as a toilet.  I am so glad that she hasn't learned to lie yet because the surprise she left would have been so much worse a day later.  The next thing was anger.  Ally has started to experience the powerful emotion that is anger.  It would completely take over her and she would lose control and then she would hurt Zoe. 

I was completely blown away by the behaviors and started to question my ability to parent.  My reaction to the fighting was not something I was proud of.  I am hoping that the classes will help because I need some tools to deal with the age three because there are two more to follow.

Thankfuly the week is ending on a better note than last week.

My Job

I use this blog as a way to vent and clear my head sometimes and ultimately to work on weight loss.  Today I thought I would tell you all the reasons (that I can think of in this moment at 11pm after dealing with sick, cooped up kids) why I love being a mom.

• Warm just woken up bodies looking for a cuddle
• groggy eyes and messy hair - Ally and Zoe have the best morning hair ever, I want to know how Ally sleeps to get her bangs standing straight up.
• being the one they come when they are hurt
• having helping (or more likely non-helping) hands when I am trying to cook, clean and yes, even pump.  Don't ask.
• endless entertainment, everything from actual performances with amazing power ballads to cute shoulder shrugs saying, "Don no."
• watching the sibling bond grow
• days that pj's and clothing are optional
• the more princess dresses on the prettier one is
• watching personalities develop
• a new appreciation for the power of sleep
• learning about yourself
• becoming stronger and more opinionated

That is definitely the short list from what I can remember from today.  I am just so thankful that our children have a stay at home parent and that it is me.

Pampering

I discovered something this weekend.  I discovered that spending time on yourself like doing your hair or make up is an easy thing to help you feel good about yourself.  Usually I don't blow dry my hair or do make up, I don't have time or I don't want to share my make up with my daughters.  Yeah, I'm mean like that.  I also have never seen the point to doing anything when I am not trying to impress anyone or I am just saying at home.

This weekend I had a little trade fair for Tupperware and I got dressed up, not fancy but did my hair and make up.  I was exhausted, cranky and felt fat which was exasperated by not finding the shirt I wanted to wear.  I didn't want to dress up but because of the way I was feeling I felt like I needed everything to make me look presentable.  What I discovered and also surprised me was that I actually felt great and just looking put together gave me some much needed confidence.

I am going to remember the feeling and do it more!

6 Weeks

Georgia is 6 weeks today and that also means I have been a mother of three for that long too.  I think overall it is going well and getting better each day.  I can also say that I am enjoying it and most days when asked if I want another I don't laugh in their faces. 

I am struggling with my parenting style.  Because Ally and I had milk supply issues; breastfeeding and supply became my obsession.  I nursed her for every little cry and she comfort nursed all the time.  I also believed that keeping the baby at the breast was important.  I did this for Zoe and it was okay.  I am doing it for Georgia but it is getting hard. 

Sleep is the root of the problem.  It is not the length or how often she is up but it is extremely difficult to get her to go to sleep.  It is a lot of nursing and that takes away from Ally and Zoe and they are showing signs that they need more attention.  Georgia will nurse, fall asleep and then I wait for a bit and put her down and she wakes up like 10 minutes later if not sooner.  This pattern continues until she is so overtired that nursing barely soothes her.  She wants to suck but then gets mad that there is milk.  The problem is that this takes all day or late into the night.  Like today, she had a wonderful morning nap and got up at 12pm and she has not slept more than 20 minutes all day.

 I know that she is young and this too shall pass but because nursing was the cure all for Ally and Zoe, I have no other tricks up my sleeve.  I ask Mike for help but he has no clue either.  I have tried the swing, I rock, walk, bounce and sing.  These all work once or twice but never consistently and Georgia smells the milk so she gets even more mad.  And then I am so tired that I give up to save my sanity.

I feel guilty for neglecting my other daughters, getting frustrated at Mike and Georgia.

I wish that I had a better memory to remember when a schedule and naps became easier.  With Ally, I got her into a schedule pretty quickly because I slept with her for every nap.  With Zoe, I was able to put her down by herself for the morning nap and I slept with her for the afternoon nap.  From there I was able to easily transition them to sleeping by themselves and having a nice consistent schedule.  Now with Georgia, the morning nap has just started to happen but the afternoon nap or naps do not happen.

I am writing this post to vent as that is the case with most of my posts and maybe if there is a 4th child to give me a better timeline as to when things will get better.  I am also hoping that some of you followers and my wonderful commentors will help me with some tricks or just remind me that it will be better soon.

Failure

I am a failure...yes, I know that is harsh but it is true.  I failed at NaBloPoMo.  Let's face it, to start I am tired and busy.  Also, I am not a great writer and at times not even a good writer.  I have a hard time writing about my days in a detailed way let alone an interesting way.

 I have only done a year and a half of college.  I am a college drop out, I blame it on Costco and stats.  My first year of college I lived at home and drove 45 minutes into school every day.  I did well in my classes but I could not write papers.  I was taught the 'hamburger' essay in like grade 7 if not earlier.  This style of easy is an intro and conclusion -the buns and then three paragraphs in the middle - the meat, lettuce and tomato.  For the life of me, I can not get past this style and find if very difficult to write more than 5 paragraphs.  This as you may know does not fly in college, even if the paragraph is long and I had done lots of research. 

I took up blogging because I love blogs and I enjoy how even if no one reads what you write in a small way you are a published author.  To me that is cool.  I am also trying to hone my writing skills and learn the art of describing because I do have aspirations to go back to school one day. 

I sometimes wonder what an experienced writer or anyone who has a good grasp of grammar must think of my writing.  I don't think about it for long because then someone starts screaming or pulling hair or I fall asleep.  Right now my main goal in bettering my skills is to remember to spell check and proof read.

Sleep is for sissies

Today has been good and so very hard.  I was able to get Georgia down for a morning nap and I got a fair bit of housework done.  Georgia woke at 11:30am and hasn't slept more than 20 minutes since and it almost midnight.  I am having a hard time with Georgia, I am not sure why she won't settle or stay asleep for long.  At times I think it is gas and I try everything I can think of to relieve her discomfort but that doesn't seem to work either.  The nice thing about being a veteran mom is that I know things will change again soon.  It is just so exhausting on all levels. 

I am trying hard not to get wrapped in the 'if only' or 'shoulda, coulda, woulda's as i am prone to do and just getting through the day and soon to be night.

Tuesday

On my quest for keeping busy, I found out that there is a nice little playgroup in town that is put on by the government.  I invited a friend of mine to come along too.  It was such a great morning!  I got to visit and Ally and Zoe played so well.  There are lots of kids and new toys, which is always great. Then in the afternoon  we had some friends come to play and stayed for dinner. 

Unfortunately bedtime was a horrific battle but I got to miss most of it because I was at a board meeting.  I won't go into it but Ally did lose her halloween candy.  I was shocked because it did not phase her to watch me throw the candy in the garbage.  I bet it will be an issue this afternoon when she asks for her daily treat.

I didn't really throw it away but now I can eat candy and not feel guilty for taking Ally's.

It's getting better all the time

Having three kids is getting easier every day.  I am still having some issues with discipline and all the fighting but things are really improving and we are finding our groove.  Last Friday was a success, we actual got out of the house with no yelling.  We ended up having a great day.  My goal is to be busy in the mornings and get out of the house or have people over.  Then the rest of the day can be relaxed.  I find that if we don't do something in the morning, that we are all stir-crazy and I tend to feel guilty about having too much tv.  Now as you may have read in a previous post that tv days are neccesary some days but if I can avoid it the better.  Plus some fresh air and a some company always makes for a better day.

Ally is still really trying my patience but I am for the most part staying calm and reinforcing consequences and being firm.  It is really hard when I am nursing Georgia and the girls start acting up.  I haven't quite gotten my strategy down but it is coming.  I am reluctant to get up and go break up the fight while Georgia is nursing but I can do it and I think I need to do it more because it is more effective than me yelling from my chair.

Georgia has been having some gas issues.  Can you believe that this is my third kid and I don't really know what to do with a gassy baby?  On Friday, she was so upset and Mike was out.  I was really worried and of course being over tired, I almost joined Georgia in crying.  Thankfully Mike came home and had the magic touch.  Unfortunately sleep has been much different since then.  She has started being awake in the middle of the night again.

I have also haven't had time to nap.  I love to nap and I even napped before having kids.  No naps and poor sleep at night has been hard but I have been able to get a lot done in the afternoon.  Today I cleaned out the entry way closet and got things organized for all the winter clothes.

My treadmill broke this weekend and I am very sad.  I was just starting to get on and do some exercise and it breaks.  We can't afford to get a new one so I guess I will have to figure out the bike or go back to the Wii.  Still finding the time is hard, oh well.

Reality has a bite!

This morning reality hit and it hit hard.  Mike left the house before anyone was up and I was really tired and decided to sleep in a bit longer.  Then the next thing I know it is 8:30am and Ally is waking me up.  So then I scrambled to tidy (before the cleaner...grr...) make breakfast, referee and nurse Georgia.  I was not my best and I have been having a hard time with yelling too much and this morning was not helping.

Then I remembered my new mantra - lower expectations.  So we had a tv day.  I wanted to do some halloween crafts but Georgia decided to cluster feed all morning and I couldn't.  I have come to realize that when I get all frazzled and stressed that it doesn't help anyone and makes everyone's day worse and it seems to just spiral out of control.  So I just let things happen and put the tv on and relax.  I have to let the guilt go about not being super mom right now and that really it is such a short time in the grand scheme of things.

I did manage to exercise and eat well!  One positive about eating 6 times a day is that Ally and Zoe are enjoying more snacks and healthier ones.  Ally ate a whole apple today!  It is neat to see how they are following our example...now I just need to get them to eat dinner.

Back to Life

I am gearing up for NaPoBloMo...or at least my own private version.  I think it will help motivate me to keep on the healthy track and it is something to do while I am nursing.

Today is the start of us getting back to normalcy.  I am ready to handle 3 kids...most of the time and I think Ally and Zoe really need it.  It has been a crazy couple of weeks and it shows in how the girls have been acting.  They have been out of sorts the past couple of days.  The fighting, crying and screaming has increased ten fold.  I think it is most likely a phase and just needing some routine again.  It could be the introduction of a new sibling too.  I am sure *fingers crossed* that things will settle down soon.  I may need to learn how to effectively discipline from a chair while nursing.  Ally has also started her bedtime battles again.  I am terrified for the next two nights because Mike is out.  I have next to no patience as it is and Ally knows how to push all the buttons.  The other night she actually hit me and I did not react very well to that.  So wish me luck...but at least I can drink.

I am not telling many people about starting to eat healthy and exercise again.  Most people think it is too early after having a baby.  I agree and I am watching my body.  I know it has only been three weeks since Georgia was born but it was such an easy labour that I actually had to remind myself to take it easy.  And three weeks has gone by fast but it feels like Georgia has been here forever already.  I am not starving myself, I am actually eating more often but just watching the quality and portion of the food.  I am exercising on the treadmill, pushing myself but not too much.  So far the exercise has actually really helped my mood and energy! 

Another new development in my life is I have decided to become a Tupperware Lady.  I feel weird writing that.  In the past I have despised home parties, mainly because I feel a push to buy and I haven't had money for those extras.  I do enjoy the parties when I go.  I decided to sell tupperware because I really like the products and I wanted a way to help out with the family finances.  I think it could be fairly lucrative for me because I have a place to advertise for free in our Coffee News editions.  I am scared of having to do parties but I know I will get the hang out it.

A Plan

I have come up with a 'diet' plan.  My focus this time around is to work on lifestyle and long term changes rather than a diet that has an end.  I want to have an active and healthy lifestyle.  I had gone hard on my marathon but once it was over I stopped exercising.  I want to make exercise a part of my life and not something that just fades away when I get busy.  The exercise piece will be the hardest because I find it really hard to fit it in with everything that needs to be done and I am tired at the end of the day.  Mike is going to do his best to help me out.

My food plan is to eat less carbs and eat small meals more often.  My go-to food is breads and I love to bake but I realized that I have gone a day or more without eating more than one serving of vegetables or protein.  I think I need a bit more structure all that bread is not healthy. 

Now the crazy thing that I am going to do and I think it may be the hardest is, I am not going to weigh myself.  The reason that this is hard is because I have gotten into the habit of weighing myself every day.  I decided this because I want my measure of success to be eating well and exercising and not the weight lost.  I find that when I focus on the weight that when it goes up that I get upset and let the gain sabotage my eating for the day or even longer.  I also find that focusing on weight is stressful and I don't need that right now, I just had a baby! 

I want to enter into this diet thing as relaxed as possible and to trust that if I am eating well and exercising that changes will come when they are ready.  I also want to focus more on  my self esteem.  I hate to say it but even though my body has done some amazing things, I have a really hard time celebrating it and not focusing on the flaws.  I know that my self-esteem and attitudes are important for shaping how the girls see themselves.  I want to set a good example for them.

Stress

This past week has been really stressful for me.  The Sunday before Thanksgiving we had an impromptu visit from a Public Health Nurse and she checked Georgia's weight at 6 days old.  Georgia was not where the charts say she should be.  I went through poor weight gain with Ally and spent 6-9 months seeing every breastfeeding specialist to figure out why I had a low supply.  It was extremely stressful and I have become a bit neurotic about weight gain.  Things with Zoe went well but I was also on domperidone from day 1.  This time I didn't want to be on medication if I could help it.  I thought things were okay until the nurse came.  The visit shattered any confidence I had.  I cried a lot and the called my midwives.  They weren't worried because they do weight checks at two weeks and more importantly Georgia looked healthy, was energetic and had more than sufficient wet diapers. 

Even though the midwives weren't worried and Mike was reminding me of all the reasons I shouldn't freak out.  I did.  I got my scale out and weighed Georgia on Tuesday, she was up and then weighed her again on Thursday she wasn't up 'enough' so I freaked out again and cried some more.  I was able to make it in and see my midwives and they reassured me some more.  And we decided to not weigh Georgia over the weekend and just stop stressing and see where her weight was on Tuesday at her two week appointment.

Yesterday was her two week appointment and she is up to 7lbs 5 oz not quite at birth weight but not enough to worry.  She is really healthy and we do have 2 other girls that have been slow gainers.  So I am happy and very proud to say that I am nursing and growing a child for the first time without medication.  This is huge and it still scares me a bit.  I just now need to be confident.

This has been a nice week because my mother-in-law has been here helping.  It is such a treat and today she took the girls back to her house for two days.  I am going to miss them but I know they will have a blast.

On to weight loss...meh...not as great as I thought it would be but whatever.  I am down 15lbs to 215lbs.  Mike and I have started to talk about what we want to do.  This is a bit earlier than I wanted but I really like that Mike is on board.  I am really excited because we  make a really good team and I feel like if we are in it together than it will be easier to make lifestyle changes.

Georgia Ruth is here!

My darling baby is finally here!  The end is so hard because it is so near but so far away at the same time.  I was so tired and emotional at the end.  Mike was so wonderful, he made the last couple of days so much easier. 

My due date came and went.  I was annoyed and I realized on Sunday (a day after my due date) that if I didn't have the baby soon, I wouldn't have as much help.  So I decided to see if doing any induction stuff would help.  I brought out my breast pump and sat on my exercise ball and planned on going for spicy food.  The pump did the trick and started contractions. I sent Mike and the girls to go for lunch. I enjoyed the time to myself and I set up a nice little labour spot. I read my book, timed contractions and bounced on my ball. Just after the pumping I would have contractions 3 min apart last 30-40s and then they would space out. I used my pump for about 2 hrs every 15 min for 5 min. Then I decided to call and let my labour team know that today could be the day. As I was talking away and not concentrating my contractions spaced out to 7 min and then 10 min.


Then Mike and the girls got home, so I stopped timing but was still able to have 3 or so good contractions with the girls basically on top of me. Zoe was very clingy. Mike thought we should head into the city and get comfortable in our hotel room. I was weary of this because I didn’t want to waste money because I wasn’t entirely convinced it was the real thing. Mike convinced me to forget about the money and to think of it as a vacation away from home. So my Dad took Zoe and then my Mom and Ally drove up in their own vehicle.

I had 3 good contractions on the way in and then we got situated in the hotel ordered dinner. After dinner I took the pump out but it didn’t have the same effect on the contractions. Around 9pm Mike and I went and laid down, we decided that it was going to be an all nighter so rest was important and to stop timing contractions because it was distracting and making me anxious. I lay down and tried to sleep and just as I was about to fall asleep I would have a very intense contraction. Mike thought that the relaxing was key to having labour progress.

At 11pm, I was having a bit of rectal pressure and I was worried that the baby was in a bad position so I phoned my midwife to see if I should do anything different. My contractions were 8 min apart and lasting over a 1 min at this point. Shortly after talking to my midwife I felt like I had to throw up. Somewhere in the back of my head I knew that this could mean transition but I didn’t believe it because my contractions were so far apart. I tried to have a few contractions sitting up in bed but it was really painful and I was feeling pushy. So I decided to sit on the toilet and I wanted to push and was pushing a bit. So we called my midwife and she said if you want to birth at the birth center you better go now. I didn’t quite understand the hurry at that point because I didn’t believe I was anywhere close to real labour. I just thought she was in a bad position, like Ally was.

We got to the birth center which was half a block away. And my back up midwife was there which kind of confused me and she was running. As we walked in she asked if she should start the tub. As you can tell I was a bit out of it and didn’t get the hurry. We got to the birth center I think at about 1 am. I got into the tub and Georgia Ruth was born at 1:24 am. I didn’t get checked at all. I was waiting for my midwives’s to check me and basically give me ‘permission’ to push. I need to ask how they knew I was fully dilated with no cervical lip. My SIL made it just in time and thankfully brought her camera because we forgot ours. And my best friend missed it by like 10 min. Ally did amazing and was fascinated by her sister. It was cute Mike took Georgia as I delivered the placenta and Ally sang to her and touched her. The placenta took a very long time to come close to an hour. I wasn’t bleeding so there was no worry. I also did not tear, my mw kept going on about how you couldn’t tell i had just had a baby. And Georgia had her hand up by her face too!

We are doing well, even with the lack of sleep and a few tears on my part.

Another Appointment

Today I had another midwive appointment.  It went really well and Jane talked to Ally about cutting the cord.  I hadn't even thought about who would cut the cord but I think it would be a neat memory.  Mike didn't want to cut the cord with Zoe so he can't imagine Ally wanting to.  He is kind of grossed out by it.  I am just excited by the possibility that Ally will get to see her sibling being born.

I saw some newborn pictures today and I got all teary because I am so ready to meet my baby!  Soon....

I had low blood pressure again and I think it is worse in the evenings because I tend to feel like crap.  Mike has been so helpful with cooking dinner and helping with the girls. 

I have also started to think about weight loss and exercise again.  My mom thinks I am nuts because I really should take some time to recover and get breastfeeding established.  I agree with her but I worry about my self-esteem afterwards.  I am going to do my best to not do anything except eat healthy until January.  I have always like New Year's resolution regardless if I stick to them or not.  So I think that will be a great time to go hard core again. 

My self-esteem took a big hit last year with the miscarriage and some issues Mike and I were having.  Being pregnant helps because a nice big round belly clearly shows that your body is doing something amazing.  But afterwards....well...I need to work on it.  I think good self-esteem is very important for succeding with a diet and is even more important for my kids.  So wish me luck!

Waiting Sucks!

I am trying really hard to not get anxious about when the baby is coming.  I know it is best for the babe to arrive on its own time but I want it to come now!  Tuesday night I had regular braxton hicks contractions which is similar to how I went into labour with Ally.  Tuesday and Wednesday would have been the absolute worse times for the baby to come.  Because my whole plan for birth would have had to change.  So since then I have been thinking a lot about the baby coming and I want it now. 

I think what I hate the most about the last couple of weeks is life is in a holding pattern.  I feel unable to make plans and discussing the future holds no interest for me.  I am enjoying this time with Ally and Zoe but the weather has been terrible and we are house bound, which is making me even more cranky.  Mike is working really hard and rationally I appreciate that but I just want a break and to be pampered.  I am also quite emotional.

I am doing my best to know that it is still early.  I will be 38 weeks on Saturday so there is lots of time and the longer I wait the better...I need to refocus and keep thinking Thanksgiving.  Even though I really want a September baby and not because I want the baby to be early (I do) but it satisfies my need and love for patterns.  Ally was born in March, Zoe in December and I wanted this babe to be born in September and if I have a 4th it will have to be born in June. I know, I know, lame right?

And the other thing is that I realized that I have been pregnant now for a year.  I probably conceived this time last year for the baby that I miscarried.  I guess I am just ready to have a little one in my arms.

So In Love

I am really in love with my girls right now.  Everything is so perfect.  They are just so cute, smart, funny and mine!  Now that we have conquered the sleep battle with Ally, life is just heaven.  No more fighting for hours and middle of the night wake ups and more fights.  Good sleep for everyone has made a huge difference on my outlook at life.  I am so glad that I can enjoy this last month of pregnancy with them.

Ally starts preschool tomorrow and we have been excitedly waiting for it since February.  Preschool helped with potty training and a little bit with the sleep battle.  I think Ally is going to love it and make many friends.  I am also a little scared because with making friends there is also heartbreak.  I wish I could shelter Ally from it all but I know it will make her stronger.  I just hope that we can talk about it and that I can be there for her. 

Tonight was also another big night for us.  Each day/night Ally gets a chance of decorating 4 links for a paper chain that is outlining her door.  Today it was finished so we went to Wal-Mart and she got to pick out her own toy.  She chose a princess, prince and horse.  She just loves the toy.  It was a lot of fun getting it with her tonight.  She was just over joyed with picking out her own toy.

Another Appointment

Yesterday I started my weekly appointments.  I thought I was so clever in scheduling my midwife and chiropractic appointments on the same day.  I am not so sure but it is too late now.  My plan was to head into the city for my midwife appointment in the morning, go to a friend's house for a playdate/lunch and then head to my chiro.  Well by the time we got home at around 3:30pm, no one had napped and everyone was done.  Zoe is in love with Ally and wants to play with her and sit right beside her but only on her terms.  She is a screecher and will screech at the drop of hat.  So that was our late afternoon, me trying to not scream more than Zoe.  I really can't stand her scream!  I have learned that I need to really watch the girls because my automatic response is to get Ally in trouble but lately it has been Zoe over-reacting.

My midwife appointment went really well.  My weight and blood pressure are good.  Baby is measuring just a week ahead and has a great heartbeat.  I talked to my midwife about when I need to go to the birth center.  They don't want me there until I am in active labour.  I was in active labour with Zoe for 3 hrs but I started counting later pretty much 12 hours before that.  So it will be interesting to see when this baby decides to arrive because it will all depend on when I head to the city and where I labour.  I am trying not to think about it because there is so much out of my control and I don't need any stress. 

I originally thought that I would go into the city as soon as I could to avoid the drive too late in labour but that may not make sense.  I could labour at a friend's house, mall or hotel but then again it depends on when I go into labour.  So I am just trying to be positive about the hour drive into the city and depending on the time will think positively about labouring at home and in the car.

I have started packing my bags.  The baby's is done and mine is mostly done.  I will probably pack the girls and Mike later on or in labour. 

I am a guest blogger!!

I had been asked to write about my weight loss and gains over the last couple years with my pregnancies.  So check this blog out.  It is a really great blog with 4 contributors writing about their weight loss journeys.  The women are quite inspirational and I highly recommend adding www.getfitchicks.com to your reader!

Getting Anxious!

Since we moved about an hour out of the city last year, I have to have this baby at the birth center in Calgary and that also means that we need to stay in the city for a couple days.  Almost across the road from the birth center is a strip of about 8 hotels.  On Saturday Mike and I toured all the hotels that had suites and a pool.  We wanted a suite with a kitchenette and seperate room.  We hope to have (if I am up to it) a place to have guests and for the girls to play but also a place for me to go and rest.  We were able to book a great room with a full kitchenette too!  The cancellation policy is also pretty good, if we call before 4pm then we aren't charged.  It will be interesting what happens if I go early, hopefully we can get the same room.

Talking about going early, I have now had two friends have dreams that I am going to go early.  Which is very weird.  I unfortunately have no ideas and can't remember my dreams.  I am keeping with the same mind-frame that I am going to go late.  The sad thing about that is that if I go late there is a good chance that my mom won't be there!  So we shall see what happens.  Basically I would like the baby to come anytime after 39 weeks and if it is going to be earlier than to happen after Wednesday.  Ally starts preschool classes on the 13th and that will be 37 wks and 2 days, so after that would be nice.  I have a feeling that this baby won't be super accomodating...but why should s/he?  This baby has really worked on getting my attention from kicking and moving a ton more than the girls, being transverse and if you think back to the stress at the beginning about if there was a baby or not.  I think this baby will fit in quite nicely and is ready to keep with its sisters!

With booking the hotel and talking with my mom this past weekend, I have started to get a bit anxious and the reality of having another baby is starting to hit me.  So I am going to start my lists and begin to pack.  I can't help it! 

I like to have a bit of a party at my births so I have a large group attending, so I typically send out my birth plan and give each person a job.  My plan is also very flexible because 3 of the attendants have jobs and famillies of their own to take care of.  I think writing everything up will help ease the panic that was setting in yesterday.  I am going to hold off on packing the bags just yet but I might just make a list of what everyone needs to have.  Just in case I go early and Mike and I have to run around throwing things into bags.

I bought a maternity support belt this weekend too.  I am not a huge fan but I have had less hip pain since I got it.  I have only worn it for a few hours each day.  After a while it needs to be re-adjusted and that annoys me.  I wore it this morning while I was cleaning and cooking and I do feel good.

Do you like being a SAHM?

I was asked today if I liked being a stay at home mom.  I immediately said, "Most days..."  but I continued to think about my choices and situation all afternoon.  I have decided that a more accurate answer would be," I love being a stay at home mom but I hate being a house wife."  I don't like cleaning and I only want to cook for fun.  Wouldn't it be awesome if that could become my reality?  Mike is trying to figure out how to get me a cleaner, which is wonderful but I do know we are tight and it probably won't happen and that is okay.

I know it will be easier in some ways when the baby has come.  I find the last trimester to be soooo exhausting and I am lucky, I don't have much pain, discomfort or other major pregnancy woes.  I remember when I was pregnant with Zoe asking my friend who had given birth to twins how in the world was she managing three kids when I could barely function with one.  She told me that the energy level does come up after birth and in my experience so far she is right.  I am really looking forward to it!  I do hope I am blessed with an easy baby again so that I can spend time with the girls.

Ally will be going to preschool two mornings a week and both girls will be going into a gymnastics class.  I think this will really be helpful to keep them active and relieve some of the guilt that I may have when I don't want to leave the house.  With Ally's sleep being so unpredictable and a major challenge, I have been working hard at doing something active at least once a day if not more.  I have fallen in love with swimming because the girls love it, it tires them out and it is easy for me with the lack of gravity.  I hope we can get back to swimming as soon as possible after the baby comes.

I had my 34 week appointment yesterday and everything is going really well.  Baby was heads down and I hope s/he stays that way!  My blood pressure was low 102/58 but my midwife wasn't concerned so I am not either. And my weight is only up 2lbs since last appt, I am at 218 lbs!!  I am really enjoying not having any worries right now.  The pregnancy started with so much anxiety it is nice to just enjoy growing a child.

31 Week Appointment

I had my 31 week appointment yesterday.  Everything is going really well.  The baby was transverse and posterior.  My midwives aren't worried and surprisingly I am not either.  I know it is still early and I know that my uterus is nice and roomy after housing 2 prior full-term babes.  I am also less concerned because I found out that there are two doctors in Calgary that will deliver breech babies, so I have many, many options between now and then.  I am just relieved that it doesn't mean an automatic c-section.

My weight has sky-rocketed in the last 3 weeks since my last appointment.  I haven't been eating as well and I haven't done any formal exercise.  But again I am not worried.  It has been on my mind and I am going to get back at it.  And at this point, I am tired and Ally is still not sleeping well, so it is an accomplishment to make it through the day, sometimes.

I am enjoying not being stressed or worried.  I am sure it will hit soon because the baby will be coming soon but since this is #3 there isn't that much to do.  I need to get a hotel booked or at least picked out and my bags packed but I am not doing that until 37-38 wks.

I am trying to keep the mind set that this baby will be late.  Ally was born at 39 weeks so I expected Zoe earlier than that, so I had my bags packed, Ally's packed, care set up for her and a back up plan set up all before 36 weeks.  I basically drove myself nuts because I had nothing to do and was just waiting.  I liked with Ally that I was pleasantly surprised when she came.  I hope I can achieve that this time around too.

Own Worst Enemy

Seriously, I really am my worst enemy.  Like I don't have enough to worry about that I need to worry about becoming anorexic or something.  Good grief!  I am hungry and when given the chance for some chips or a cinnamon bun, I haven't said no.  I guess I got worried because I was enjoying the sense of control that counting my calories has given me but also hating the fact the scale has to go up.  When I wrote the post I was 210 but I knew that I would probably have to report 211 to my midwife.  I hated that the number went up and it was stressing me out.  I have come to terms with it and I realized that if I keep going at this rate there is a good chance I will weigh 10 lbs less at the end of this pregnancy.  Which is amazing.

I have also been beating myself up for the frustration and lack of control that I have with Ally's sleep problems.  This has been probably the hardest two weeks of my parenting career.  Now I may have said this before and will probably say it again but damn it has been hard.  She has fought sleep for hours and then is still waking up in the middle of the night.  I am exhausted and I have help at night!  I feel guilty that I can't figure out what the problem is and I feel guilty that I lose my temper.  I always feel guilty and the last couple weeks have made me feel like I am failing at parenting.  Being pregnant with the third is not a good time to feel like a failure.

Thanks Taryl for the comment on my last post.  I completely agree with you and I really appreciate your wisdom and guidance and the chance to share our journeys together.  I look forward to losing weight with you too!

Am I becoming too obsessive?

I have really gotten into tracking my calories with LoseIt!  I do my best to put everything in and stay under the reccomend calorie amount.  Right now the app reccomends that I have about 1800 calories.  When I choose good nutritional foods this is not a problem and I am not hungry.  I am working hard on recognizing when I am hungry and when I am 'bored'.  I just need to keep in mind that I am growing a child here.  I am a worrier and I worry that I am taking things too far.  I feel that weight management can be a slippery slope.

July is off to a Great Start

Exercising and diet are going pretty well for the most part.  I am happy with my activity level and how I am eating.  Again for the most part.  A few things are keeping me from a perfect score but that is life.

We went camping with the girls for the first time over the long weekend and it went really well.  We had a blast and once we figured out how to get the girls to sleep, there were no problems.  I can't wait to go again at the end of the month.  Eating, well during camping for some reason didn't go so well...I will blame the smores :)

The other challenges that I am having are the heat and Ally's sleep.  The heat isn't so bad but it does wear me out.  Now Ally's sleep is a huge battle and it is just getting worse.  I don't know what to do.  Last night was extremely horrible.  Mike and I need to make an action plan and I want it to be a positive plan.  I feel like the lack of sleep and frustration is making the battle extremely negative and I don't want that in my relationship with her.  I also am intrigued with diet and maybe we need to cut out sugar or I have heard red dye is really hard on kids.

My weight is doing pretty good and I am hoping to only have a 1-2 lb gain for the month when I see my midwife next week.  At this point I am sitting at 2 lbs but I am hoping some more of the junk food I ate last weekend will wear off.  I am about 210lbs, so that is pretty awesome in my opinion!

I also went for my gestational diabetes test on Wednesday and I hope the midwives will have the results.  I am pretty confident that everything is fine but I like to have the results.

Day 3

So this is my 3rd day of exercise and it is going well!  My body is responding well to the exercise.  I was a bit worried because I haven't done anything since maybe 6-8 weeks along.  I almost feel like I could do more.  I always feel like the wii isn't the best work out but my muscles are sore so I am feeling it.  I also keep reminding myself that the 20 minute work out is miles better than what I was doing before and if I continue I will be fitter and healthier.  I need to learn how to pace myself because I could easily burn out.  I am also doing well with getting another 20 or so minutes of walking in.  Not everyday but it is happening.

My only worry is that I have cut out my naps to exercise and to clean/cook.  This makes me worry because I don't know how long I will be able to continue at this pace.  I hope I can but I am so close to the 3rd trimester and who knows what will happen then.

I am so happy to say that I am feeling good and I think that the exercise is really helping my mood.  I have been very emotional the last couple weeks.  There are so many factors as to why like the weather, which has been so rainy and blah.  Thankfully the sun is shining and I got a great dose of vitamin D today.

Crack down

I know, I know I have written this post or something similar 3 times now but this time I am going to do it.  I am going to crack down on the exercise.  I actually did 25 minutes already!

I had my 24 week midwife appt on Tuesday.  Everything is great, blood pressure was 110/60 and my fundal height was 26cm which I thought was funny because I have been feeling small.  My midwife thinks my weight gain has been amazing.  I am pretty happy with it but I know it is really due to luck than actual work.  In my mind I started this pregnancy at 205 but according to my 12 week appt I started at 199.  And this week's weight was 208 so that is a 9lb gain.  I am really trying to only gain 15, not that I will be upset with more.  With the last two pregnancies I have gotten up to 225-230lbs so I know I can get back to 200lb.  I just want to do better this time especially since I seem to be unable to lose weight while nursing and as much as I hate the number on the scale I am pretty comfy for now at 200lbs. 

So I am going to really focus on exercising and I know the food will come from there.  My goal is to do a minimun of 20 minutes a day and hopefully work up to an hour.  I set up at custom workout on the wii to focus on toning and specifically squats.  Check this post out here for why I am focusing on squats which I will get into later.  I like the wii because I can do it while the girls play and it is cute to see them join me.  Zoe is really good at squats.  Then I want to do 20 minutes on the treadmill or out walking.

I hope I can stick to my plan but I am going to bribe myself because it is a great motivator for myself.  I have just joined an online book club and my bribe for this week is I can not buy the book until I have completed 7 days of exercise.  Wish me luck!

Anniversary

Today marks my 4 year anniversary of growing children.  I have been nursing or pregnant straight for the last 4 years.  That is pretty amazing!  I love being a mother so much.  I love how it has shaped me as a person and made me stronger.  Each child has taught me something about myself.

Thank you Ally, Zoe and #3 for making this the best and hardest 4 years of my life. 

Sad

I realized last night during Glee that I would have been 39 weeks this week.  It breaks my heart that my little baby will never meet her sisters.  I will never hold, kiss, nurse her.  But I can love her and I will think of her always.  My little June bug.

Going

So I am getting into a groove with the cleaning and what not.  I am starting to like it a bit.  I do still get pretty cranky but it is nice that things are slowly getting done and it is not that stressful.  I have noticed one major side effect.  This is a bit TMI but oh well.  My libido has died.  I feel bad for Mike but I have no interest AT  ALL.  This is strange for me because when I am pregnant I am blessed with a very high libido and normally I am above average.  It is sad but at least  I have something to show for it.  I don't even miss it.

Weight wise...I have started to gain...darn!  Mike and I went out for dinner and a movie on Friday and I enjoyed myself.  I am up about 2-3 lbs from eating bad this weekend.  I hope that it is just water retention or something like that but I haven't been eating well so I have been expecting it.  Mike is back on his diet so we are buying more vegetables and he is cooking more which helps me tremendously.  I also need to start exercising again.  I haven't done well as usual...my hope is to get my exercise room cleaned up again and get back on the treadmill.

I am getting my hair dyed this afternoon.  I am really excited and I hope there is time to get something really cool done.  I have noticed that dark colors are in so I am thinking about that but Mike wants me to go blond.  Which I really don't think would look good on me and I can't imagine the maintenance.

Pay Off

Okay, after my downer post yesterday, things are much better.  Thanks for the kind words, Taryl!  I had an amazing day and all this cleaning and scheduling paid off.  A good friend called asked if we would like an impromptu visit, which of course we did!  I never say no to someone who wants to drive an hour to come visit.  The best part is that I didn't have to go and do a mad clean after I set the phone down.  Yeah!  I just had to finish my chores.  I am just so pleased!

The girls and I had a nice busy morning too.  The weather is still cloudy and rainy but I decided to go for a walk anyways.  Most days I don't have a vehicle because both cars are being used for the business.  In Didsbury it really isn't a problem because we can walk everywhere but sometimes I let the weather keep us indoors too much.  We went and got our hair cut, to the post office, out for lunch and then home for naps.  I am proud to say that my girls were perfect even at the hairdressers!  I was thrilled, especially with Zoe because she will usually freak out when she can't touch me but she sat on a chair drank her juice and took her socks and shoes off.  No freak out at all!  The best part is that I was able to get a cute cut too.

Now I am sitting here blogging with a clean house.  Now if my daughter would just go to sleep life would be perfect.

60%

So I did so-so at being productive.  I got most of the big chores done and kept up on the house until about Thursday.  I just was exhausted I could barely move and I was feeling like I was getting sick.  So we had a TV day.  Friday was busy but no cleaning.  I don't know if I am a total convert.  I don't like all the cleaning that needs to be done.  I do like that my house was cleaner and I did more with my kids but I just found having to work into the evening was just plain exhausting.

But I am not giving up yet. I am going to get back at it and keep getting trying.  Hopefully I will enjoy it and not be so cranky.  I think it may have been an off week.  It has also been hard because the weather has sucked and Mike has been out in the evenings.

Wish me luck and I hope my mood gets better, I feel like I have been cranky all week. 

Cracking the Whip

Life has finally calmed down and I think spring might be here.  Last week we had two nice days and we spent a lot of time outside and it was fabulous.  I can't wait for it to get nice again.  My goal for the summer is to spend most of the time outside.

Things are calmer but I still feel like I have too much to do but I am not really doing any of it.  I am not a cleaner infact I really hate it but I love a clean house.  When my house is messy it feels like a weight is on my and the worse it gets the crankier I get and I feel like I am suffocating.

In my last post I talked about how a fellow blogger started a schedule and how it made everything so much easier for her and her family.  I was and am inspired.  I know that if I was more efficient with cleaning that it wouldn't weigh me down so much and that I could actually do the things I want to do.  I would rather be doing crafts with Ally and playing with the girls. 

So after a talk with Mike I am going to set up a schedule and stick to it.  I am a big fan of rewards so I am going to bribe myself along the way.  I did the bribes with my marathon and it really  helped me to look at the steps of the goal and not get overwhelmed by the shear size of it.

This is what I want to achieve this week:
1. Keep my house clean - we are going to do a big clean tomorrow and I want to maintain it because I will be away next weekend but my brother-in-law will be coming and having guests when my house is messy stresses me out.  So my goal is to have the house clean so on Friday I am not doing a mad clean.

2. Exercise - I want to start going for walks again and I would like to do this once this week.  This may seem small but it is a 4 day week.  Eventually I would like to be going 3 or more times a week, bike riding twice and maybe even getting back on the WII.

3. I want to cut down my computer time.  'Nuff said but I am going to try and blog my progress.

4. I want to get my sewing room set up again so that I can start sewing again in the evenings.

So, wish me luck because I am naturally a lazy person but I need to get a good system going before #3 comes because things will get more difficult.

Surprise!

I had my 20 week ultrasound yesterday and Mike and I were very excited to find out the sex of the baby.  Unfortunately babe had other plans.  I was a bit disappointed but now I am excited again.  This pregnancy has gone by quite quickly and I am so glad that I can now say I am enjoying it.  The baby has finally started to move which caused me great angst.  I am feeling great and have had no hip issues like Zoe's pregnancy.  I am in a great place!

I am also happy to say that I haven't gained weight yet.  Woohoo!  I have a slight hope that I will not gain anything this pregnancy.  I am at the point where I will start gaining if I don't eat right or drink enough water.  I find that I am typically up over the weekend and then down by midweek.  Mike is going back to his diet's roots which is high protein and low/no carbs and I have asked him to help me to eat better.  I just don't love protein right now and I don't like it or think of making it when I am hungry.  Now exercise is another story, it has been a really busy month and I just haven't gotten into a good routine.  I do need to tone up and work on my cardio.

A blogger friend of mine who is also pregnant has inspired me to get a good schedule going and she has raved how it has benefitted her and her kids.  I have slowly started working on a schedule.  My goal is to stop lazing around in my pj's all day, I don't really laze around but I just don't have the same motivation if I don't get dressed in the morning.  This has been quite successful this week for us.  Next week once the craziness of hosting an anniversary party for 50 guests is over I will work on getting outside more and doing more exercise.  I bought the bike attachment for my chariot and I want to get that set up and start using it.

Well, I am off to bake several dozen cookies and a couple cakes today.  I am not stressed by cooking for 50 people but it is only Wednesday and the party is Saturday.  Wish me luck!

I am not crazy!

I am so sick of people commenting on my child spacing.  Everyone thinks I am crazy and I hate it.  I hate that people can criticize my choice of spacing and my choice of being a stay at home mom, but I can't return the criticism.  I hate the mommy wars and I stay out of it because I have learned that it really doesn't matter.  I just count my blessings that things are working for us.  But just because I have chosen to have 3 and maybe another doesn't mean that you can insult me. 

I am a little sensitive because I am actually scared of what having 3 under 3 will be like.  I am not sure if this is the spacing I really wanted but it is what I have and I am dealing with it and I will come to love it.  I am confident in my ability to adapt and be the best mom that I can be.  But I am scared and honestly I am more scared of how my marriage will fair then how I will raise 3 kids.

But I do hate how just because you have decided that one, two or none is the perfect number for you doesn't mean that it is for me.  I think that the people who make the comments don't realize how hurtful it is and maybe they are trying to complement me because they think I am amazing.  It is probably that I am senstive but still, if I turned the tables and said, " I think you are crazy for just having one because your kid is going to be spoilt."  People would be angry with me.

Then there is the whole stay at home mom thing.  I am lucky that I can stay home with my kids.  I enjoy it but it is harder than most people think and some days I don't enjoy it at all.  I am not anymore special then a mom who works.  I personally can't imagine working all day, then having to come home; clean, cook, and spend quality time with your kids.  The thought exhausts me.  I don't like cleaning and will put it off as long as possible.

Well that is my rant for today.

Ready to get back at it

I think...I hope...well knock on wood that I am feeling better.  We just got back from a whirlwind weekend at a conference at West Edmonton Mall.  I was worried how we (especially me) would do with the lack of sleep and I am so glad to say that it went really well!  I also only gained a pound, which is awesome when you are eating every meal out and not even good food because with two kids fast food is just easier on everyone.

My plan is to get back on the wii and do a 30-60min walk every day.  I hate saying that I work out on the wii but it is a decent work out and I get some strength training in.  I am going to try and get outside and walk but a walk on the treadmill is just as good.  I hope to be able to do it every day or at least 5 days a week.  Even though I am a stay at home mom, weekends are completely different.

Now the hard part is to get back into cooking.  I still have no desire to eat and I have no groceries.  The grocery store in town has a delivery service that I am contemplating using but....it seems kind of lazy and maybe I should just wait until tomorrow. 

Today is Ally's birthday!!  My baby is 3!  Time flies...it really does.

First Midwife Appointment

I had my first appointment today and it was with my favorite midwife Nadine.  I love her!  She is so nice and kind of on the hippy side.  She works part time and so far hasn't been at any of my births but I really hope she will be at my next one.

We talked about where I am going to birth because I am in Didsbury  now I can't have a home birth which really saddens me.  I loved my birth with Zoe it was just perfect.  We talked about the birth center or birthing in a hotel.  Sounds fun, eh?  I love the hotel idea just because then I get the benefit of giving birth and walking to my bed and staying there.  That is my favorite part of a homebirth.  But I also really enjoyed  making noise last time (weird, I know) so I think that would be weird in a hotel.   And I also like a bit of a party at my births.  I want Ally to be there for sure, my mom, sister, sister -in-law, a friend or two and of course Mike.  So I think the birth center will be it even though the downside is that I have to leave 3 hrs after the birth.  Ugh!

So the appointment was pretty standard.  I have a bunch of lab tests to do and will need to book my 20 week ultrasound.  The disappointing thing is that Nadine couldn't find the heart beat.  I have been very nervous about the heartbeat since Saturday when my nausea decreased a ton.  But it is very early I am only 10 weeks 4 days.  I want to rent a doppler but I know that will just feed my insanity and stress more.  I know that if I keep trying and can't find it then I will be a basket case.  I am reminding myself that it is early and that there is really nothing I can do either way.

Priorities

I have been doing a lot of thinking about my priorities as a mom lately maybe it is because I have barely done any house work and laid on the couch for most of the day.  I hate cleaning and I really would like it to go away and my house be perfect.  I have a friend who's house is perfect all the time.  I don't get it and the thought of doing the same makes me want to curl up in my bed for 2 days straight.  Seriously her house is like a magazine and she has two kids.  I really don't understand how she does it and why?  I was there yesterday and all the beds were made, no toy out of place, no dish left out or stray sock laying around.  We walked into her toy room and everything was in its place and all the toys and furniture all coordinate. 

At times it makes me envious.  I would like my house to look like that but I know that it would drive me crazy, seriously I don't think I could handle the pressure.  I also don't think it is fair on my kids because the pressure would cause me to not let them play or touch anything and I would probably yell all the time.  I am beginning to come to terms with my messiness and try to revel in it.

I am now feeling better so hopefully I will start to do more around the house but what I really feel guilty about is not the mess but the lack of things I have done with Ally and Zoe.  We have barely done any crafts, baked or gone out.  I want to get back to that.  It is getting better each day.  Thank goodness!

Haha...feeling alive?

I laughed when I saw the tittle of the last post because I haven't felt alive in many weeks...I feel like death warmed over at my worst.  That is why I haven't been able to blog.  I barely have energy to get off the couch.  My poor girls...they are so good to me!  But I am almost 10 weeks so the end is near...I hope...if it isn't then I will go on some drugs for nausea because who wants to live this way?

I miss exercising and eating healthy but I just can't right now.  I am all about mall food and I love Koryo and Thai Express.  Actually I am all about food that is not made by me or in my house.  But despite this I have lost weight about 5 lbs so far.

I will get back to the blogging world as soon as I can.

Feeling Alive

The last couple weeks have been a gong show!  It started out on I guess the first of February, when I got my ultrasound results from the week before.  The ultrasound report said that there was no definitive signs of pregnancy.  I was quite upset and I called my midwife who said that there was a good chance I was pregnant.  She sent me for blood work to test the Hcg levels, basically if you are pregnant it will typically double.  Meanwhile, the morning sickness started, the hunger and exhaustion, it sucks feeling like crap when there may not be a good reason.  By Friday, I got 2 sets of results back and my numbers had nearly doubled so I was feeling very hopeful.  Saturday, Mike and I went to see Avatar and unfortunately we were in the second row.  Now I don't typically do well sitting that close but I thought it would be okay because I had my glasses.  Well I made it 30 minutes and had to leave and threw up in the bathroom, tried to go back and watch the movie had to leave and didn't make it to the bathroom....and threw up in a garbage can in the middle of the mall....ugh!  So embarrassing.

Then this past week the morning sickness has been full blast and I went for another ultrasound on Tuesday and I do indeed have a baby!  My dates were a bit off and I got to see the heartbeat.  Even though I have been feeling like death warmed over, I am really happy that there is a little baby growing and making it all worthwhile.

With feeling nauseaous, food has not been my friend, I hate it and I hate having to think about what to make.  I have barely cooked this week.  But I have lost two pounds.  Which is awesome, I am not trying to lose weight I am trying to maintain my weight for the first and most of the second trimester.

Today has been the first day I have been feeling well.  I was motivated to do some cleaning.  It started with the highchair, which was disgusting and then once that was done I washed the floor and ran the dishwasher.  I am very proud of myself because for most of the week I have barely been able to get off the couch.

I am doing my best to limit tv for the girls.  Ally could watch tv all day and I am trying to not take advantage of that in my sick state.  My goal is for 1 hr a day which is still alot but hey, we are in survival mode.  I can't wait until the summer when I can throw the girls outside and they can play all day.  I really hope that they will play well together for the most part.

Big News!!!

Alot has happened since my last post.  I really struggled with the doing the diet over the weekend.  I was really committed when I wrote the post but my committment waned as time went on.  I began to think of the logistics and how it would effect the girls.  Part of doing the diet is you must commit to weighing in 3 times a week and that is in the city about 45 minutes away.  And we would have to do it before Mike starts work, he has been going in around 6 am.  I began to realize that that isn't fair to the girls to have to get up that early, sit in their carseats for 2 hrs 3 times a week.  I couldn't do it and I was worried about what the rest of our day would look like would we be able to do any of the other fun things like swimming and crafts?  Saturday night I went to bed and prayed for God to give me an answer as to what I should do.  I dreamed that I was pregnant.  I got up and tested and voila!  I am pregnant!!!!

I was shocked.  I had a suspicion that we may have timed things right but I didn't think to much of it because I didn't think I was really back to normal yet from the miscarriage.   But I am very excited...scared but excited.

So because of my weight I do need to work hard at only gaining 10-15lbs.  That is really hard.  With Zoe, I did really well and gained about 25lbs so I know I can do it.  My goals are to eat well and to get and least 20 minutes of exercise 5/7 days and try for up to an hour a day.  I have been doing my wii fit and then walking in the afternoon with the girls.  I plan on keeping this up.  

The Line

The other day I went swimsuit shopping and it was a horrible experience.  Swimsuit shopping is not fun most of the time but what made this trip worse is that I had to go up a size.  I had to go to an 18, now that is major for me.  18 means plus-size and not shopping at regular stores.  For me this is the line that I can not and will not cross.  I have to do something.  So I have decided to do the diet that Mike is on.  I am a little scared because most people I have talked to think it is a bad idea.  The diet is seductive because it is fast and effective but the big question is what happens after?

In many ways this is the perfect time to do this diet because Mike is doing it too and then we can learn how to maintain and what our lifestyle needs to be.  I also feel that in a way I have been maintaining and that I think I can do it afterwards.  But that is no guarantee.

Mike has made a huge commitment to help me with this diet.  He has volunteered to make the food so that I can worry about what the girls are eating.  He is going to make it possible for me to weigh in 3 times a week.
And he is going to help more around the house.  And by rights he should, I am not sure if I mentioned it but the issues Mike and I have been having all stemmed from a little comment that he let slip a while back, he wished that I was skinnier.  I was devastated and I have had a hard time coming back from it.  In a way I am doing this diet for myself and for our marriage.  I hate Mike when I feel fat and that is not good for our relationship.  We have done a lot of talking and I know he completely commited and loves me very much but that comment has been so hard to live with especially because I feel the same way.  It has become a viscious circle and I want to stop it because most of the time I do love him and want to be with him forever.  But when I am down about my body I start thinking of ultimatums like,"Maybe I should just leave him since he doesn't love me now."  That is not good for my children or our relationship.

I am anticipating that I will be done this diet in 12-16 weeks.  I am just basing that on how Mike has done, he has lost an aver age of 20 lbs a month and the diet actually guarantees 10-16lbs a  month.  This diet will be challenging but I am going to just take it week to week.

So what does that mean for nursing Zoe?  Basically I can't.  But my milk has decreased a ton since I stopped taking the medication a couple weeks ago and that she can still nurse but maybe there won't be any milk but she will get the comfort.  Mainly I am  not going to do any drastic weaning but the milk will be gone.  I figured that this is a good time, I feel bad that I nursed Ally until 2.5years but I did get pregnant when she was 11 months old and was prepared for her to wean with the pregnancy.  Also I really did not like the last couple months of nursing her so in a way I am preventing the negative feelings.  I feel guilty that I am making this selfish decision but I decided that I am tired of being depressed and down about my body and in the long run I think that will be worse for the girls.

And we have put having another child on hold too.  We have decided to wait another year.  We know that it is not good to stress my body so  much.  I am really happy with that.  I have always felt pressure from Mike to have kids on his time line and he had started talking about being done earlier too.  Waiting a year was his idea and I think that is good in many ways.  Gives my body time.  And give our family time to fully adjust to two.  We are on the edge of the girls establishing their relationship and it may mean a lot of fighting.  And having two toddlers and all the tantrums might be enough for now.

Getting in the Groove

I am starting to get into a nice groove with exercise.  I am starting to crave it and really enjoy it.  I am doing Playground Bootcamp, EA Active on the WII and my friend and I are trying to go for daily hour long walks.  Now I should do better with the food but I am really enjoying cooking and trying new recipes.  I am trying to find healthy ones but I don't worry that much.  Actually right now I am making my birthday cake!  I am making a Triple Lemon Layer cake and I won't even tell you the calories because it is truly disgusting.  

I have finally come to terms with this birthday.  I had been having a really hard time with turning 27.  I don't know, I love birthdays but I was really cranky about this one.  My body image had a huge impact on my feelings of growing old.  I see my  mom in me.  She has been overweight for years basically after having kids.  I have seen her try so many diets with not much success.  She is now doing the same diet as Mike and doing amazing.  It scares me to think that I maybe just like her and at 50 finally losing weight.  But one thing that I would like to do like my mom is to dress nicely.  She always looks amazing and is stylish.

I am feeling fat and frumpy and then because my birthday is coming it has turned into feeling old.  I don't like that.  I should celebrate my life and my accomplishments.

So I will just keep exercising and enjoying it!

Horrible Mom

It is amazing what a couple days and lack of sleep can do to you.  It was just the other day I was feeling like super mom.  Now I feel like I am a horrible one.  Ugh!  I am tired and I have been up since 4am with one kid or the other.  I am feeling like all I do is complain about having kids and how horrible they are.  Truthfully I love them dearly and they constantly make me smile but the lack of sleep and the fight to go to sleep is overshadowing the good times.  Or at least it is to me at this moment, I am writing this at 7am both girls are back to sleep but I know that it will be a short time before the next kids is up.  I am going to enjoy the silence for a bit.

Mike and I have started to talk about having another kid again.  I want four kids but I am scared that I can't handle it.  I am scared that my kids will hate me because I am grouchy.  I am scared that my marriage won't survive it.  

Surprised

I just wanted to thank everyone who reads this blog.  I am constantly surprised that people read, comment and send wonderful messages.  I am a horrible writer and with two kids, I barely have time to proof read let alone spell check.  So thanks again for sharing this time in my life with me.

Ally has been sleeping so terribly lately.  I have been at my wit's end with her.  She will go to sleep and then wake up an hour later calling for me or start screaming.  The crying and screaming just stresses me out because I want her to sleep so I can have a break and I know she needs the sleep too.  I just don't know what to do with her.  Twice this week I have just taken her out of bed and let her play until she gets tired and the other times I move her downstairs to the playpen so she doesn't wake Zoe.  Last night was the final straw, when she was up until 2:30 am playing.  While she was playing I read my sleep book and researched online.  I decided to do a sticker chart and reward her with candy when she sleeps well.  She hasn't been a big fan of stickers before but I figured it was something to do that she could see her progress.  I also needed a clear plan of what to do with her because Mike is gone for 4 days.  I do better if I have a plan and strategy.  I am also going to be very strict about naps and wake up times too.

Tonight went ok, she called, "Mommy" repeatedly for 1.5hrs.  I, however did not get stressed or frustrated and I am proud to say that I waited her out.

I am also proud to say that I exercised and got the kitchen cleaned.  I am trying to enjoy my alone time while Mike is gone but also be productive.  I need to keep the house cleaned and do it in the evenings because I won't get much of a chance during the day.

Cheers to another good day, where I was a calm mommy, exercised and cleaned.....look out Super Mom!

Feeling Great

I love that I am making exercise a priority again.  I did so well with the marathon and then fell off.  I had such a hard time figuring out when to exercise with sleeping horribly and both girls demanding so much attention.  I think exercise is exactly what I needed with the endorphins and time to myself.  I wish I had done it sooner, it would have saved me from a lot of stress and anxiety.

I am so excited that I am starting to make bigger and better plans for exercise.  I want to slowly work my way up to an hour a day.  And I want to start running again.  And I want to get the Jenny McCartney game too.  And. And. And.  But I know that if I get too much ahead of myself I will get frustrated and just give up.  And justing doing exercise for 20 minutes a day is important.

Exhaustion and Motivation

Exhaustion and motivation do not go together.  Today is the first day since Sunday that I have exercised, Monday I put it off too long and then was tried and crabby.  Tuesday, we had a crappy  night and I babysat my friends kids all day.  I couldn't even eat well.  Today I realized that getting the exercise done in the morning really shapes may day well and then I can't procrastinate until I don't do it.  The routine I did today worked really well and I think it will help with fitting in exercise.  I exercised when Zoe had her morning nap.  Ally likes to exercise with me and doesn't interfere with me exercising much.  Starting the morning out with exercise also motivated me to do some laundry and dishes.  I am now sitting while the girls nap with a cup of tea and relaxing.  It is nice to enjoy some quiet time with out the pressure of having to do something.

Yesterday was a hard day because I was so tired and had 4 kids here but I did have a bit of a break through.  When I am tired I do tend to get annoyed at Mike and sometimes it progresses into anger.  Typically I realize what I am doing and I can talk myself out of actually saying anything to Mike or being angrry.  In the past couple of months days like yesterday would downward spiral into a fight with Mike or feelings of my world falling apart or last for days on end.  Now I am back to where I was before and can control my mood better.

I did it!

I finally exercised!  And I loved it!  A couple months ago I bought EA Active for the Wii and only set up  my profile.  So today I thought it would be a fun thing to start my exercise with and I was right.  There is a 30 day challenge and you win awards and set goals.   I think it will help motivate me and give me a good work out.  I am also going to do my playground boot camp twice a week and that will be fun.  I love how good you feel after exercise and I hope that I can start to crave this feeling and motivating myself won't be so hard.  I am really glad Mike is doing this with me it makes it more fun.

Counselling Follow-Up

I really enjoyed my session yesterday and it was helpful.  She did help give me some perspective and helped me realize that things are tough right now and that the miscarriage may have brought things to a head.  She thinks that I haven't really grieved the loss and that is true really it has only just recently been resolved.  She thinks that I do have some body issues and that I am doing okay with working on them.  She wants me to feel my emotions and not let them build up to where I am just angry and having a bad day.

I am not sure if I will go back or not at this point, I will see how I feel over the next while.  I think it might be nice for Mike and I to go.  I don't know....I also feel like Mike and I have been doing alot of talking lately and to tell the truth I am sick of it.  I want things to go back to normal.  So at the moment that is my goal.

I am going to try and take time for myself and I think that will help many aspects of my life because if my needs are met then I can meet everyone else's.

A Plan

I knew inspiration would hit eventually.  Mike and I came up with a plan to get us both  moving and eating right.  Mike is doing amazing at his diet and has lost 70lbs since September so he doesn't need much help but he has been cheating (a lot in my opinion) and he needs to start exercising.  I need to do better with food and exercise as well.  So we decided that we should earn our 'fun' money.  We are strict budgetters and each week we allocate a bit of money for each of us to spend on what ever we want.  So now we have to earn our money.  We decided that we would get $5 a day for eating on plan (Mike following Dr. Bernstein and I will be following the plan detailed below) and then $5 for doing 20 mins of exercise.

Below is my food plan.  I invented my own based of The Canada Food Guide, Body For Life, Dr. Bernstein and my own beliefs on a healthy lifestyle.  I am going to do my best not to focus on the results but focus on what I can control and that is my lifestyle.

Melynda’s Eating Plan

6 servings of whole grain and health carbs: A portion is half a slice of bread or 50g

Unlimited vegetables

3 servings of fruit

4 servings of protein

2 portions of diary: ie: ½ cup yogurt, 1 cup milk or 2 slices of cheese

1 treat – max 200 calories

2L minimum of water

Ø  All portions are Dr. B sizes

Ø  Aim for 6 small meals a day

Welcome to 2010!

Can you believe that it was only 10 years ago that Y2K came?  I was in grade 11, jamming to the Philosopher Kings and Will Smith's Will 2K.  I actually still have that cd and I had a strong urge to put it on yesterday.  We had a party and had some friends over.  I went all out on the food and it was a really nice night.

I have been thinking about resolutions and I can't think of anything I want right now.  I am pretty sure one will come but I just don't have any ideas at the moment.  I have my first counselling session tomorrow so I am sure I will get some ideas.

I have been scanning the internet for some good weight loss programs and I came across Bill Phillip's new program at Transformation.com and I am going to check it out.  I have done Body for Life 2 years ago and it was fairly successful.   So I reccomend anyone going over and checking it out.  I am not gung-ho about it just because I am not in the mood but I like how it addresses the emotional and lifestyle side of weight loss.

I think I really need to exercise and I think that will help, maybe not actual pounds lost but mood too.  I don't know why I am so reluctant to do it and why I have a hard time making time for it.  Maybe that will be my resolution; excercise!