The Line

The other day I went swimsuit shopping and it was a horrible experience.  Swimsuit shopping is not fun most of the time but what made this trip worse is that I had to go up a size.  I had to go to an 18, now that is major for me.  18 means plus-size and not shopping at regular stores.  For me this is the line that I can not and will not cross.  I have to do something.  So I have decided to do the diet that Mike is on.  I am a little scared because most people I have talked to think it is a bad idea.  The diet is seductive because it is fast and effective but the big question is what happens after?

In many ways this is the perfect time to do this diet because Mike is doing it too and then we can learn how to maintain and what our lifestyle needs to be.  I also feel that in a way I have been maintaining and that I think I can do it afterwards.  But that is no guarantee.

Mike has made a huge commitment to help me with this diet.  He has volunteered to make the food so that I can worry about what the girls are eating.  He is going to make it possible for me to weigh in 3 times a week.
And he is going to help more around the house.  And by rights he should, I am not sure if I mentioned it but the issues Mike and I have been having all stemmed from a little comment that he let slip a while back, he wished that I was skinnier.  I was devastated and I have had a hard time coming back from it.  In a way I am doing this diet for myself and for our marriage.  I hate Mike when I feel fat and that is not good for our relationship.  We have done a lot of talking and I know he completely commited and loves me very much but that comment has been so hard to live with especially because I feel the same way.  It has become a viscious circle and I want to stop it because most of the time I do love him and want to be with him forever.  But when I am down about my body I start thinking of ultimatums like,"Maybe I should just leave him since he doesn't love me now."  That is not good for my children or our relationship.

I am anticipating that I will be done this diet in 12-16 weeks.  I am just basing that on how Mike has done, he has lost an aver age of 20 lbs a month and the diet actually guarantees 10-16lbs a  month.  This diet will be challenging but I am going to just take it week to week.

So what does that mean for nursing Zoe?  Basically I can't.  But my milk has decreased a ton since I stopped taking the medication a couple weeks ago and that she can still nurse but maybe there won't be any milk but she will get the comfort.  Mainly I am  not going to do any drastic weaning but the milk will be gone.  I figured that this is a good time, I feel bad that I nursed Ally until 2.5years but I did get pregnant when she was 11 months old and was prepared for her to wean with the pregnancy.  Also I really did not like the last couple months of nursing her so in a way I am preventing the negative feelings.  I feel guilty that I am making this selfish decision but I decided that I am tired of being depressed and down about my body and in the long run I think that will be worse for the girls.

And we have put having another child on hold too.  We have decided to wait another year.  We know that it is not good to stress my body so  much.  I am really happy with that.  I have always felt pressure from Mike to have kids on his time line and he had started talking about being done earlier too.  Waiting a year was his idea and I think that is good in many ways.  Gives my body time.  And give our family time to fully adjust to two.  We are on the edge of the girls establishing their relationship and it may mean a lot of fighting.  And having two toddlers and all the tantrums might be enough for now.