Big News!!!

Alot has happened since my last post.  I really struggled with the doing the diet over the weekend.  I was really committed when I wrote the post but my committment waned as time went on.  I began to think of the logistics and how it would effect the girls.  Part of doing the diet is you must commit to weighing in 3 times a week and that is in the city about 45 minutes away.  And we would have to do it before Mike starts work, he has been going in around 6 am.  I began to realize that that isn't fair to the girls to have to get up that early, sit in their carseats for 2 hrs 3 times a week.  I couldn't do it and I was worried about what the rest of our day would look like would we be able to do any of the other fun things like swimming and crafts?  Saturday night I went to bed and prayed for God to give me an answer as to what I should do.  I dreamed that I was pregnant.  I got up and tested and voila!  I am pregnant!!!!

I was shocked.  I had a suspicion that we may have timed things right but I didn't think to much of it because I didn't think I was really back to normal yet from the miscarriage.   But I am very excited...scared but excited.

So because of my weight I do need to work hard at only gaining 10-15lbs.  That is really hard.  With Zoe, I did really well and gained about 25lbs so I know I can do it.  My goals are to eat well and to get and least 20 minutes of exercise 5/7 days and try for up to an hour a day.  I have been doing my wii fit and then walking in the afternoon with the girls.  I plan on keeping this up.  

The Line

The other day I went swimsuit shopping and it was a horrible experience.  Swimsuit shopping is not fun most of the time but what made this trip worse is that I had to go up a size.  I had to go to an 18, now that is major for me.  18 means plus-size and not shopping at regular stores.  For me this is the line that I can not and will not cross.  I have to do something.  So I have decided to do the diet that Mike is on.  I am a little scared because most people I have talked to think it is a bad idea.  The diet is seductive because it is fast and effective but the big question is what happens after?

In many ways this is the perfect time to do this diet because Mike is doing it too and then we can learn how to maintain and what our lifestyle needs to be.  I also feel that in a way I have been maintaining and that I think I can do it afterwards.  But that is no guarantee.

Mike has made a huge commitment to help me with this diet.  He has volunteered to make the food so that I can worry about what the girls are eating.  He is going to make it possible for me to weigh in 3 times a week.
And he is going to help more around the house.  And by rights he should, I am not sure if I mentioned it but the issues Mike and I have been having all stemmed from a little comment that he let slip a while back, he wished that I was skinnier.  I was devastated and I have had a hard time coming back from it.  In a way I am doing this diet for myself and for our marriage.  I hate Mike when I feel fat and that is not good for our relationship.  We have done a lot of talking and I know he completely commited and loves me very much but that comment has been so hard to live with especially because I feel the same way.  It has become a viscious circle and I want to stop it because most of the time I do love him and want to be with him forever.  But when I am down about my body I start thinking of ultimatums like,"Maybe I should just leave him since he doesn't love me now."  That is not good for my children or our relationship.

I am anticipating that I will be done this diet in 12-16 weeks.  I am just basing that on how Mike has done, he has lost an aver age of 20 lbs a month and the diet actually guarantees 10-16lbs a  month.  This diet will be challenging but I am going to just take it week to week.

So what does that mean for nursing Zoe?  Basically I can't.  But my milk has decreased a ton since I stopped taking the medication a couple weeks ago and that she can still nurse but maybe there won't be any milk but she will get the comfort.  Mainly I am  not going to do any drastic weaning but the milk will be gone.  I figured that this is a good time, I feel bad that I nursed Ally until 2.5years but I did get pregnant when she was 11 months old and was prepared for her to wean with the pregnancy.  Also I really did not like the last couple months of nursing her so in a way I am preventing the negative feelings.  I feel guilty that I am making this selfish decision but I decided that I am tired of being depressed and down about my body and in the long run I think that will be worse for the girls.

And we have put having another child on hold too.  We have decided to wait another year.  We know that it is not good to stress my body so  much.  I am really happy with that.  I have always felt pressure from Mike to have kids on his time line and he had started talking about being done earlier too.  Waiting a year was his idea and I think that is good in many ways.  Gives my body time.  And give our family time to fully adjust to two.  We are on the edge of the girls establishing their relationship and it may mean a lot of fighting.  And having two toddlers and all the tantrums might be enough for now.

Getting in the Groove

I am starting to get into a nice groove with exercise.  I am starting to crave it and really enjoy it.  I am doing Playground Bootcamp, EA Active on the WII and my friend and I are trying to go for daily hour long walks.  Now I should do better with the food but I am really enjoying cooking and trying new recipes.  I am trying to find healthy ones but I don't worry that much.  Actually right now I am making my birthday cake!  I am making a Triple Lemon Layer cake and I won't even tell you the calories because it is truly disgusting.  

I have finally come to terms with this birthday.  I had been having a really hard time with turning 27.  I don't know, I love birthdays but I was really cranky about this one.  My body image had a huge impact on my feelings of growing old.  I see my  mom in me.  She has been overweight for years basically after having kids.  I have seen her try so many diets with not much success.  She is now doing the same diet as Mike and doing amazing.  It scares me to think that I maybe just like her and at 50 finally losing weight.  But one thing that I would like to do like my mom is to dress nicely.  She always looks amazing and is stylish.

I am feeling fat and frumpy and then because my birthday is coming it has turned into feeling old.  I don't like that.  I should celebrate my life and my accomplishments.

So I will just keep exercising and enjoying it!

Horrible Mom

It is amazing what a couple days and lack of sleep can do to you.  It was just the other day I was feeling like super mom.  Now I feel like I am a horrible one.  Ugh!  I am tired and I have been up since 4am with one kid or the other.  I am feeling like all I do is complain about having kids and how horrible they are.  Truthfully I love them dearly and they constantly make me smile but the lack of sleep and the fight to go to sleep is overshadowing the good times.  Or at least it is to me at this moment, I am writing this at 7am both girls are back to sleep but I know that it will be a short time before the next kids is up.  I am going to enjoy the silence for a bit.

Mike and I have started to talk about having another kid again.  I want four kids but I am scared that I can't handle it.  I am scared that my kids will hate me because I am grouchy.  I am scared that my marriage won't survive it.  

Surprised

I just wanted to thank everyone who reads this blog.  I am constantly surprised that people read, comment and send wonderful messages.  I am a horrible writer and with two kids, I barely have time to proof read let alone spell check.  So thanks again for sharing this time in my life with me.

Ally has been sleeping so terribly lately.  I have been at my wit's end with her.  She will go to sleep and then wake up an hour later calling for me or start screaming.  The crying and screaming just stresses me out because I want her to sleep so I can have a break and I know she needs the sleep too.  I just don't know what to do with her.  Twice this week I have just taken her out of bed and let her play until she gets tired and the other times I move her downstairs to the playpen so she doesn't wake Zoe.  Last night was the final straw, when she was up until 2:30 am playing.  While she was playing I read my sleep book and researched online.  I decided to do a sticker chart and reward her with candy when she sleeps well.  She hasn't been a big fan of stickers before but I figured it was something to do that she could see her progress.  I also needed a clear plan of what to do with her because Mike is gone for 4 days.  I do better if I have a plan and strategy.  I am also going to be very strict about naps and wake up times too.

Tonight went ok, she called, "Mommy" repeatedly for 1.5hrs.  I, however did not get stressed or frustrated and I am proud to say that I waited her out.

I am also proud to say that I exercised and got the kitchen cleaned.  I am trying to enjoy my alone time while Mike is gone but also be productive.  I need to keep the house cleaned and do it in the evenings because I won't get much of a chance during the day.

Cheers to another good day, where I was a calm mommy, exercised and cleaned.....look out Super Mom!

Feeling Great

I love that I am making exercise a priority again.  I did so well with the marathon and then fell off.  I had such a hard time figuring out when to exercise with sleeping horribly and both girls demanding so much attention.  I think exercise is exactly what I needed with the endorphins and time to myself.  I wish I had done it sooner, it would have saved me from a lot of stress and anxiety.

I am so excited that I am starting to make bigger and better plans for exercise.  I want to slowly work my way up to an hour a day.  And I want to start running again.  And I want to get the Jenny McCartney game too.  And. And. And.  But I know that if I get too much ahead of myself I will get frustrated and just give up.  And justing doing exercise for 20 minutes a day is important.

Exhaustion and Motivation

Exhaustion and motivation do not go together.  Today is the first day since Sunday that I have exercised, Monday I put it off too long and then was tried and crabby.  Tuesday, we had a crappy  night and I babysat my friends kids all day.  I couldn't even eat well.  Today I realized that getting the exercise done in the morning really shapes may day well and then I can't procrastinate until I don't do it.  The routine I did today worked really well and I think it will help with fitting in exercise.  I exercised when Zoe had her morning nap.  Ally likes to exercise with me and doesn't interfere with me exercising much.  Starting the morning out with exercise also motivated me to do some laundry and dishes.  I am now sitting while the girls nap with a cup of tea and relaxing.  It is nice to enjoy some quiet time with out the pressure of having to do something.

Yesterday was a hard day because I was so tired and had 4 kids here but I did have a bit of a break through.  When I am tired I do tend to get annoyed at Mike and sometimes it progresses into anger.  Typically I realize what I am doing and I can talk myself out of actually saying anything to Mike or being angrry.  In the past couple of months days like yesterday would downward spiral into a fight with Mike or feelings of my world falling apart or last for days on end.  Now I am back to where I was before and can control my mood better.

I did it!

I finally exercised!  And I loved it!  A couple months ago I bought EA Active for the Wii and only set up  my profile.  So today I thought it would be a fun thing to start my exercise with and I was right.  There is a 30 day challenge and you win awards and set goals.   I think it will help motivate me and give me a good work out.  I am also going to do my playground boot camp twice a week and that will be fun.  I love how good you feel after exercise and I hope that I can start to crave this feeling and motivating myself won't be so hard.  I am really glad Mike is doing this with me it makes it more fun.

Counselling Follow-Up

I really enjoyed my session yesterday and it was helpful.  She did help give me some perspective and helped me realize that things are tough right now and that the miscarriage may have brought things to a head.  She thinks that I haven't really grieved the loss and that is true really it has only just recently been resolved.  She thinks that I do have some body issues and that I am doing okay with working on them.  She wants me to feel my emotions and not let them build up to where I am just angry and having a bad day.

I am not sure if I will go back or not at this point, I will see how I feel over the next while.  I think it might be nice for Mike and I to go.  I don't know....I also feel like Mike and I have been doing alot of talking lately and to tell the truth I am sick of it.  I want things to go back to normal.  So at the moment that is my goal.

I am going to try and take time for myself and I think that will help many aspects of my life because if my needs are met then I can meet everyone else's.

A Plan

I knew inspiration would hit eventually.  Mike and I came up with a plan to get us both  moving and eating right.  Mike is doing amazing at his diet and has lost 70lbs since September so he doesn't need much help but he has been cheating (a lot in my opinion) and he needs to start exercising.  I need to do better with food and exercise as well.  So we decided that we should earn our 'fun' money.  We are strict budgetters and each week we allocate a bit of money for each of us to spend on what ever we want.  So now we have to earn our money.  We decided that we would get $5 a day for eating on plan (Mike following Dr. Bernstein and I will be following the plan detailed below) and then $5 for doing 20 mins of exercise.

Below is my food plan.  I invented my own based of The Canada Food Guide, Body For Life, Dr. Bernstein and my own beliefs on a healthy lifestyle.  I am going to do my best not to focus on the results but focus on what I can control and that is my lifestyle.

Melynda’s Eating Plan

6 servings of whole grain and health carbs: A portion is half a slice of bread or 50g

Unlimited vegetables

3 servings of fruit

4 servings of protein

2 portions of diary: ie: ½ cup yogurt, 1 cup milk or 2 slices of cheese

1 treat – max 200 calories

2L minimum of water

Ø  All portions are Dr. B sizes

Ø  Aim for 6 small meals a day

Welcome to 2010!

Can you believe that it was only 10 years ago that Y2K came?  I was in grade 11, jamming to the Philosopher Kings and Will Smith's Will 2K.  I actually still have that cd and I had a strong urge to put it on yesterday.  We had a party and had some friends over.  I went all out on the food and it was a really nice night.

I have been thinking about resolutions and I can't think of anything I want right now.  I am pretty sure one will come but I just don't have any ideas at the moment.  I have my first counselling session tomorrow so I am sure I will get some ideas.

I have been scanning the internet for some good weight loss programs and I came across Bill Phillip's new program at Transformation.com and I am going to check it out.  I have done Body for Life 2 years ago and it was fairly successful.   So I reccomend anyone going over and checking it out.  I am not gung-ho about it just because I am not in the mood but I like how it addresses the emotional and lifestyle side of weight loss.

I think I really need to exercise and I think that will help, maybe not actual pounds lost but mood too.  I don't know why I am so reluctant to do it and why I have a hard time making time for it.  Maybe that will be my resolution; excercise!