Time for Another?

Mike and I are in discussion about whether it is time to start trying again. It is a weird discussion because it really depends on the day, how the girls are, how I am feeling etc. I hate the decision! There are so many reason for and against. Mike likes the idea of getting the kids done and over with so that we can start doing the fun stuff. He doesn't really like the first year because he has a hard time with a baby who just wants Mommy. He does great with toddlers and can see that each year is going to be more and more fun. I totally agree. I also kind of like the idea of getting my body back sooner. But I am terrified of my stress and frustration level. I want to still be a good mom who my kids love, not some growly bear. So we will see what the future brings at this point we are just going day by day and really thinking about what to do until I get the all clear from the doctor.

Interesting!

I don't really know what is happening but I have just surpassed my pregnancy weight! I have lost about 8 lbs this month. I don't know if it is the water, the miscarriage or maybe even breastfeeding but I am not complaining! I am so happy and I am loving that I am not doing anything to crazy. I am eating well, drinking lots of water and trying to be active. It is nice when you see the numbers on the scale going down, it makes it easier to resist. Last night I was grocery shpping and really wanted to buy some chips but I put the bag down and felt good about it.

I have also started an exercise class called Playground Bootcamp. It is awesome! A great work out and most of the moms have two kids so it is really comfortable. It is held at an indoor playground where there is a large jungle gym and then a bunch of toys for the kids. The kids go off and play while the moms exercise and if needed you go and deal with your kids or exercise with them.

Water

I have started to take my health in small manageable steps and I have started with water. I was reading the book from Mike's diet and it talks about how important water is and that everyone should be drinking at least 2 L a day and a litre for every 25 lbs over weight you are. So for me that is about 4 L and let me tell you that is incredibly hard! But was has been the trick for Mike and I is to put 1 L bottles in the freezer filled 1/4 full at night and then fill it the next morning and then keep filling the bottle until the ice is gone. If I drink it fairly consistently I can fill it up 2-3 times and get in total about 2 L worth. I have been working on increasing my water amount each day, nothing methodical I just keep fillig it. I have been able to easily drink 2 L and I am just starting to get 3 L in. I am finding that it is really helping me to not eat as much or snack all day. I also think that it is helping me lose weight. In the past 3 weeks I have lost 3 lbs and I have not been eating well. Now it could be stress but I think the water has a lot to do with it because I am eating horribly - like lots of chocolate, candy and baking. I have been bad because I decided that I am going through a hard time that I deserve to binge until the whole miscarriage thing is over. But I am doing well at one thing and that is water. Here is an article that talks about the importance of water. http://www.shapeupshop.com/weightloss/water-weight-loss.html

It is going

So it has been a hard week but I am doing well. I am in awe of other women who have gone through a miscarriage before. It is such a blow and really rocks your world. But I am coping and getting back to real life. I am interviewing some babysitters this week to come once a week or so to help out so I can clean and do errands. I also hope to train and learn to trust them enough to leave my kids with them at night so Mike and I can go out and not rely on my parents to much. I am so excited! I just can not wait! I think I will start getting my hair done, pedicures etc.

Miscarriage

It has been confirmed. My doctor thinks that I had an ectopic pregnancy and that I miscarried it. I need to go for more blood work and possibly another ultrasound to make sure everything is finishing the way it should be. I am doing okay, I just wish that the process could be done already. I started back on domperidone to get my milk supply back and now I am going to get back to life.

Meltdown

I have been doing my best to stay in check emotionally. I have kind of been walking on a tight rope where anything can really upset me. Today I was sobbing. I think the worst thing maybe happening. I think my milk supply is going away. It may have been a coincidence but this afternoon I tried nursing Zoe and she got really mad. I started sobbing. I wasn't prepared for that. I could handle the possiblity of losing a baby but the reality of losing my milk just killed me. There is nothing I can do to stop it.

Stressed and Scared

I finally got my first post partum period at the beginning of this month. Then about a week ago (about mid-cycle) I started to have really bad cramps and light bleeding. I didn't think to much of it because I was in Moncton and if I laid down the pain was manageable. When I got back on Wednesday I was talking to my good friend Laurie and she thought it could be a miscarriage. I didn't understand how that was possible because it was the middle of my cycle and I didn't think we timed our relations (blush) close enough to my ovulation to get pregnant. I am usually quite aware of my cycle and fertility signs and planned on waiting for another year before we tried for a third. Well, thanks to Laurie I took a pregnancy test and low and behold it was positive and dark! Which is weird because I should only be about 3 weeks along. But because of the bleeding and cramps I went and saw my doctor, she sent me for an ultrasound. The ultrasound showed a mass on my left tube which the tech thought it was an ectopic pregnancy. So they sent me to the ER, which with H1N1 is a scary place. Mike and I scrambled to get the girls taken care of because I was not letting them near the ER. In the ER they checked my cervix and it was closed and I guess that is a good sign that I am pregnant and not miscarrying at this time. The OB thinks that I may have a corpus luteum cyst which is normal and apart of pregnancy but sometimes can cause bleeding and cramps (from what I have googled) and he has sent me to get my HcG levels checked every two days for the next week to see if the pregnancy is progressing.

I am scared and upset among a million other emotions. I am trying my best to not get to upset or think too positively. I went for blood work yesterday and will go again Monday. And will see my doctor Monday or more likely Tuesday.

Thoughts

I have been doing a lot of thinking about diets and my self-esteem lately. My self-esteem really tanked during Zoe's pregnancy and it is still effecting me. I hate being so self-conscious and hating my body. I should love my body because it is amazing, just look at the two beautiful girls that it has grown. I realized that I have spent about 3-4 years focusing on my body's weight and how ugly it is. I really believe that all the negative talk is effecting me. I realized that of course I want to be fit and healthy but if breastfeeding is preventing me from losing weight then I need to still eat well and love myself (my doctor actually confirmed this). I think loving yourself is so very important especially when you are a mother of girls.

And I also found that with Weight Watchers it didn't always encourage me to eat well. I had this need to binge or have a treat more regularly. If I had 5 points left at the end of the day, I wouldn't have something high in protein and healthy I would have chocolate or wine basically empty calories.

I don't want to 'diet' anymore. I want to start loving myself again. I have been a faithful reader of my friend Pam's blog and she is so inspirational. She has lost about 100 lbs. And she has done it by changing her lifestyle and exercise. I look forward to her updates every day. My plan is to start exercising again and let the endorphins do their job and start cooking creatively. When I am done nursing maybe I will diet again.