Counselling

I haven't written about it and I haven't told many people but today I thought, "Why not?"  I have been having a really hard time lately.  I am worried that I may have depression.  Things seemed to have started around the miscarriage and then Mike and I also started having some major issues at the same time.  But I seemed to be having more and more bad days.  It seems to cycle.  I will being doing really well and then something will set me off and I start going down.  I am all over the place.  Unfortunately Mike gets the brunt of my anger and but at least it is him and not the girls.  After a lot of thought I decided to go to counselling.  I don't know if it will help but I really need some perspective on my feelings and maybe some tips on how to get rid of the anger towards Mike.  I hope it helps because I don't like feeling this way.  I am usually in control of myself and I don't usually have mood swings.  I also hope to work on my self esteem.  I kind of think that it may be the root of everything or at least a major factor.  Wish me luck!

Back

A week or so ago I was feeling depressed and this blog was making me feel like a failure so I deleted it and then immediately regretted that so I made it private.   Thanks to those who noticed, it is nice to know people read this.

I decided today that I am not a failure...I have been losing and being healthy.  There is nothing wrong with a gain here or there.  I just need to keep going.    So the latest challenge was again another flop.  The miscarriage has really thrown me for a loop and all the emotions and hormones tied with it have made me one crazy mama.

And to add to the mix, Mike and I have been having issues.

Thankfully as of today, everything seems to be resolved!  My miscarriage can now be put away and I can move on.  Mike and I are once again going strong and I am very excited about Christmas.

I am also ready to keep trying to lose weight.

 Last week I baked up a storm.  I love giving baking as Christmas gifts.  I feel like it is a really personal gift because while I am slaving away and yelling at Ally not to  throw the flour on the floor, I am thinking of you and hoping you will like what I made.  With all the chaos of baking with two kids, I didn't drink my water and I ate a ton of baking and I gained a bit.  But I have reined it in and I am going hard again.

Today I also decided that I should start drinking green tea.  I have been reading about how it helps with weightloss and it didn't seem too weird.  So I thought why not, if I am going to be drinking 4 litres a day...why not add some flavour by drinking some tea?

On top of everything, I have been really struggling with my self-esteem.  I have been really hating myself and feeling disgusting.  I don't want this attitude to rule my life because it is impossible to be happy when you hate yourself.  And I want to nip this in the butt quickly so that it doesn't effect the girls (because I am cranky) and that in years it sets them up for poor self esteem.

Mike has been supportive and has decided to give me some more spending money so that I can spend it on myself.  It won't be a lot but  this way I can buy some jeans that look good on me instead of ones that were cheap at Costco.

Today is a good day and like I said soooo excited for Christmas!

Week 1

I am doing awesome with the water...exercise not so much...I am trying but the girls have been sick and not sleeping well so neither have I. I did see the 100s the other day so I think my weigh in on Thursday is going to look good! I find the weekends to be very challenging. Both days I didn't start drinking water until 4 pm and having drinking 4L in 6-7 hours is hard. I also don't think that you get the same effect if you cram all the water in at night.

Challenge! Because I love them :)

I love challenges and I do feel that they help me even if I fall off the wagon ;) I believe that any spurt of motivation helps.

I realized today that there is 4 weeks left of 2009! Crazy, eh? I have decided that I want to end the year in the 190's I want to be below 195lbs by 2010. I am going to use my motivation to start exercising again and to help me to eat as good as I can through out the delicious holiday season.

Here are my goals:

Drink 4 L of water every day

Do 30-45 minutes of exercise everyday

Eat as good as I can

Weigh in for today is 201.4 lbs so 6-11lbs to lose to meet my goal.

Not Yet!

I am still dealing with my miscarriage and I am so frustrated with my doctor. I have found the whole process extremely stressful and my emotions have been all over the place. Two days ago I started spotting again and that freaked me out but I had my ultrasound scheduled and I did my best not to worry. Yesterday I went for my ultrasound, got lost and missed the appt. I freaked out...not in an angry way but I barely made it back to the car before I started crying. I feel like I will be doing really well and then something happens and I feel like I can't cope and my world is crashing down. I feel like I am the worst mother and wife every and that I have lost myself. I call my doctor or rather the receptionist and explain what is going on and that I am stressed out and all I get back is a message saying that the doctor is not worried. I need some information that is accurate and reliable and google just freaks me out. At my mom's prompting I have called another doctor in town and I will meet with her tomorrow to see if she will be a more attentive doctor. We are a healthy family and rarely seek medical attention but when we do it is for something important.

So #3 is out of the loop for now until I can get a hold of my emotions and my miscarriage is officially over. I may wait until April now. Who knows....like I said I am all over the place.

I have found this site that is truly inspirational and has started to inspire me to love my body and to think about what I need to do to lose weight again. One positive about waiting to get pregnant is that I could lose more weight and be healthier. I highly reccomend going The Shape of A Mother and reading through it.